The DO's, DONT'S and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots!
by LittleEnglishLass
Summary: A collection of random rules and madcap adventures of a girl called Zoe, who's best friends just so happen to be aliens from the planet Cybertron. If thy be brave of soul and sturdy of heart, delve into the unknown depths of insanity. Life will never be the same! Read it...you know you want to...READ IT OR EAT CUSTARD, YOU BEAUTIFUL HUMAN PIG-SMELLIES!
1. Fate is Fun to Tempt

**Hiya! This is the first time I've tried something like this, so tell me if I'm doing it wrong! :) **

**Lets imagine that I am present in the movieverse...and that I spend some time with both teams. Hear me when I say, their lives will never be the same again!**

**Me; **"Hey Megs, you know how I said I was going to do that big old list of do's, don'ts and general rules for living with you lot?"

**Megatron; *pops head into room* "Yes, what about it?"**

**Me; **"Well apparently, if I am to put it on the Internet, I have to write a disclaimer that says I don't own you!"

**Megatron; "YOU? OWN ME?!" *looks scandalised***

**Me; **"I know right? I have to say it though, or I might get into trouble with those legal people. And you don't want me to get in trouble do you?"

**Megatron; "No. As much as I hate to admit it, you're starting to rub off on me."**

**Me; **"Aw. See? It's not that hard to admit you have feelings! You'll like me even more when you see what I did to 'screamer..." *trails off mysteriously*

**Megatron; "WHERE! I MUST SEE!" *rushes off***

**Me; **"Yeah. He's my bestie. He's kinda like a little kid isn't he? Anyway, I would like it to be noted that Zoe, formally known as LittleEnglishLass does not own ANY of the TF's. 'Cept Prowl...that smexy aft is MINE!"

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 1; Decepticons. Fate is fun to tempt!**

* * *

**DO quote Invader Zim, there are so many priceless moments to be had.**

(Megatron was quietly working away, nose in a datapad.)

(I happened to be walking by.)

(And was full of sugar)

"I LOVE YOU COLD UNFEELING ROBOT ARM!"

(Megsie jumped about a mile in the air and fell off his seat.)

(I ran away giggling.)

**...**

(Me and Barricade were watching True Blood in the rec-room.)

(Megatron walked in at a certain...ahem...'adult' part.)

(He was frozen for a few seconds, looking shocked before yelling really loudly.)

"BARRICADE! HOW COULD YOU EXPOSE AN INNOCENT YOUNG FEMME TO SUCH FILTH! You should be ashamed of yourself."

(He then took our box set away _and _the TV. He is SUCH a mother hen.)

(I sat up.)

"No. I'm still watching it, I wanna see what happens!" *begins to get upset* "I need it!" *starts crying* "WHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYY?" *runs around screaming insanely then suddenly falls asleep*

(Barricade looked at Megatron.)

"Mayyybeee...you should give it back..."

**...**

(I was sat in the control room, watching all the 'cons do their thing.)

(Megsie was still mad at Barricade over the whole True Blood incident, so we weren't allowed to talk to each other for a few days as punishment.)

(Spoilsport.)

(Megsie realised he'd forgotten my data pad, and told me to go and get it, so he could rearrange my schedule.)

(I ran off, yelling.)

"BLARGIZEFLURZINFLURRSENUR!"

(Yeah...he thought I had gone insane and carried me to the medical bay like I was his own precious little sparkling.)

(I didn't get out of the medbay for three days...)

(It. Was. So. Worth. It)

**...**

(Megsie and 'screamer were arguing again.)

(Really loudly.)

(At three in the sodding morning!)

(I decided to shut them up.)

(Donning my GIR hoodie, I ran into the room they were in, carrying my recently headless piggy plushie and used my incredible crying ability.)

"WHY? WHY MY PIGGY?! I LOVEDED YOU PIGGY! I LOVEDED YOUHUHUHU!"

(They stopped arguing.)

(OBJECTIVE ACHIEVED.)

(They got me a new plushie piggy too.)

(LEVEL UP!)

**The Numa Numa song is banned. Forever.**

(I recently learned how to sing it in Romanian.)

(I wanted to show everyone.)

(I thought they would be proud of my language skills.)

(Everything was fine until I reached the chorus. That's when they all freaked out.)

(Turns out 'Numa' and 'Dragostea' mean something entirely different in Cybertronian.)

(Yikes.)

(Way. Too. Young. For. That. Info.)

**DON'T start an argument with me and Slipstream.**

(Starscream though he was being clever.)

(He said we couldn't use the big cannon thing because he didn't think femmes could handle it.)

(Slipstream told him to frag off.)

(We all got into a philosophical argument as to whether boys were better than girls.)

(Weirdly, most of the 'cons agreed with me and Slips.)

(Eventually we got onto religion. I got sick of the argument and ended it.)

"Of _course _god made boys before girls. Every artist needs to do a rough sketch before they make the masterpiece."

(I walked out.)

(Me and Slipstream spent the next few days organising a prank.)

(It involved cottage cheese and a certain big cannon.)

(I don't think 'screamer enjoyed his morning flight.)

(HA!)

**DO get Soundwave in on an April fools prank.**

(Impossible you say?)

(Not for me.)

(We eventually convinced him. Sure, it took three hours and a lot of begging from us all, but eventually he agreed to it and said it was a good idea.)

(With Slipstream's help, we managed to create a convincing alien costume. Soundwave even added some cool light things that made it glow with this awesome churning glittery effect, like lava, only prettier.)

(Then Soundwave hacked into the worldwide TV grid-thing.)

(The whole world watched in terror as a horrible alien blob thing told them that planet Earth was going to be demolished in ten minutes to make way for a space bridge, and there was no moral problem because humans were too stupid to be considered lifeforms anyway.)

(There was global panic.)

(You should have seen their faces when nothing happened.)

(We all laughed so hard I think we did permanent damage to ourselves.)

(Then we hacked the grid again.)

"APRIL FOOLS! Lots of love, the Vortians."

**'That's what she said' jokes are fobidden.**

(Megatron was talking to Soundwave.)

(I saw an opportunity.)

"It will have to be huge to get the best output."

"HA! That's what she said!"

(It took him a moment to understand, then he told me off.)

**...**

(Slipstream was talking to Thundercracker.)

(I just couldn't resist.)

"It wasn't that hard y'know? The only thing I will say it everything came at me at once."

"HAHAHA! That's what she said!"

(Slips thought it was funny.)

(Thundercracker told me he would never get a certain image out of his head.)

(I'm very curious as to what image that is...O_o)

**...**

(For some reason or other, Megatron had a video link to the Autobots.)

(I was told to stay out of sight. But they never said anything about staying quiet.)

(The opportunity of a lifetime! Cannot...resist...must...)

(Megatron was being sarcastic about the 'bot's relations with the humans. Again.)

"So, it must feel good to finally be on top?"

"BWAHAHA! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"For the love of Primus, will you just stop it?!"

"HAHA! THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"You can't keep going like this! Enough is enough!"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

(Megatron just gave a long-suffering sigh.)

(Optimus thought it was funny.)

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**Don't forget to review! **

**INVADER ZEE, OVER AND OUT STAR COMMAND!**


	2. When Pigs Fly

**I think this is the fastest I have ever updated...**

**Anyway, college stars on Monday, so my updates are going to get a little slow. I swear, they try and kill us with work. So. Much. Work. *faints***

**Me; **"Kay, let's get this over with."

**Slipstream; *happens to be passing* "Get what over with?"**

**Me; **"My disclaimer. I have to say I don't own you guys. Well, I don't _have _to say it, but I don't mind.

**Slipstream; "You humans are stupid." *walks off***

**Me; ***runs after her* "HEY! I'M ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? You know what, stick it up your aft you overgrown vending machine!" *sits back at desk, grumbling to myself* "I do not own the Transformers."

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'T'S and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 2; Decepticons. When pigs fly...**

* * *

**The game 'Slender' is banned for all eternity.**

(I recently got hold of 'Slender'.)

(I thought it was a funny game, slightly boring actually.)

(I told them all about the Slender Man. They thought it was stupid, but wanted me to play the game anyway.)

(I thought they would laugh.)

(How wrong I was.)

(I allowed myself to lose, letting the 'spooky' tension reach a all time high, and that's when the Slender Man struck.)

(Almost all the mechs in the room screamed like little girls. A few ran away, while the others refused to go out into the dark corridors. Megatron just rolled his optics and shrugged like he wasn't bothered.)

(But I noticed he didn't turn his light out when he went to bed.)

"WUSS!"

**DON'T give Starscream a new paintjob without his permission.**

(The stupid afthead was annoying me all day.)

(I decided that it was high time I did something about it.)

(I waited until he came back injured and was put into stasis by Soundwave.)

(Then I set to work.)

(I walked into the medbay, ignoring Soundwave completely, walking over to Starscream's prone form, and proceeded to paint every last inch of the little glitch's body in rainbow glitter paint.)

(I stood back to admire my handiwork, and Soundwave glared, but I notice he didn't try and stop me.)

(He smirked at me and then brought 'screamer out of stasis)

(I had to run for my life.)

(I heard Starscream yelling, but I was safely hidden in Megatron's room. He gave me a strange look, so I proceeded to tell him the day's events.)

(He blinked once, then burst out laughing and went to have a look.)

(*facepalm* Honestly!)

**The 'Narwhals' song is also banned.**

(I thought they would find it funny.)

(They didn't.)

(Soundwave actually glitched.)

(Barricade shot the computer.)

(The Seekers zoomed away after a few seconds of the song, and didn't come back for three days.)

(They might not have been laughing, but I thought it was fraggin' hilarious!)

(My sides still hurt from laughing so hard.)

(Damn. Now I gotta find some more songs. ANY SUGGESTIONS?)

"**But I **_**like **_**explosions!" is NOT an excuse for trying to kill Starscream.**

(He still held a grudge over the whole rainbow glitter paint incident.)

(He kept 'accidently' trying to step on me.)

(So I 'accidently' stole a weapon.)

(I nearly got the glitch! I missed by half an inch.)

(Megatron didn't think my excuse was funny.)

(I was confined to my room.)

(Bah humbug!)

**DO say random things and quotes at random times.**

(I was bored. Then a quote popped into my head.)

"How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose!"

(Everything had gone quiet.)

(Slipstream laughed.)

(Megatron told me off. He doesn't think I'm old enough to say that kind of stuff.)

(He still denies he's a mother hen when it comes to me.)

**...**

(I was getting a medical checkup and decided to have some fun.)

"I may have schizophrenia, but at least I still have each other!"

(I got subjected to ANOTHER mental test, but boy was it worth it to see the look on their faces!)

**...**

(It was early on a morning, I had to go to college and I was not happy about it.)

(Knowing it was impossible to pretend to be ill enough to warrant a medical check, I decided to improvise.)

(I asked the mechs if they dreamed while they were asleep. They said yes.)

(I pretended to be puzzled, putting my chin in my hand.)

"Well, here's the thing. Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow...then when I woke up this morning, _my pillow was gone!_ Spooky right?"

(Let's just say I didn't go to college that day.)

**...**

(I got bored over the weekend.)

(Barricade was complaining that he was getting old.)

(I saw my opportunity.)

"'Cade, let's face it, everything below your waist is kaput."

(I didn't expect him to laugh.)

(Boy did he.)

(He's taken to saying it to the other mechs.)

(I am in so much trouble when they find out I started it.)

**...**

(Frenzy likes to torment me when he gets bored.)

(He kept jabbing me with this weird shock-pen-thing he somehow got possession of.)

(I got sick and tired of it. So I grabbed the ben and crushed it under my boots.)

"I am going to destroy you. I don't know how yet, possibly with dynamite."

(He ran.)

(The little sucker knows I carry out my threats.)

(Chicken.)

**...**

(Megatron was raging about his brother again.)

(I asked him what was wrong with Optimus.)

(He said his brother was an insufferable diplomat.)

(What I said confused him.)

"Ah. So you're jealous. Being a diplomat means they can tell you to go to hell in such a way that it actually makes you look forward to the trip."

(Then I walked away.)

**...**

(I asked Barricade if he would put his siren on when he picked me up from college.)

(He said he would when pigs started flying.)

(I threw my plushie piggy at him.)

"See? With the right thrust, pigs fly just fine."

* * *

**Whaddyathink?**

**Toodle pip for now, my minions!**


	3. Live, Laugh, and Laugh Again!

**Gah, so ill...so tired...must...update...**

**Hmm...an update every day? If only I could update my other stories so quickly! Then again, this isnt really a story, just a list of stuff. Ah well, I shall endeavour to keep up the fast updates! ^_^**

**Here's the next instalment of my rules! This time it's the Autobots! And once again, I have inexplicably become besties with them, and now live with them. Maybe one day I'll write the story behind it.**

**Me; ***sneaks around dragging a large object covered by a sheet behind me*

**Jazz; "Wha'cha doin' baby doll?"**

**Me; **"Ah. Well...see...um Ironhide was asleep...and I saw my chance."

**Jazz; "Chance fo' wha'?" **

***distant furious yells and crashes* **

**Me; **"Would you be the nice kind mech that I know you are, and help me carry this thing before 'Hide realises the twins are innocent?" *makes (^_^) face*

**Jazz; *grins* "Ya' stole his favourite cannon didn't ya'?"**

**Me; **"Jazz, 'stole' is such a strong word...I prefer 'borrowed without permission'."

**Jazz; *begins laughing* "I've got an idea..."**

_**One hour later, the cannon is hanging from the rafters with the words 'I don't own you guys! But I sure do love you!' written on it with in pink glitter pen.**_

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 3; Autobots. Live, laugh, and laugh again!**

* * *

**When I'm supposed to be meeting new 'bots, don't give me sugar and caffeine.**

(Some new Autobots had arrived.)

(Including Optimus' sparkmate, the lovely Elita.)

(Sam had deliberately given me Red Bull and Haribo.)

(He wanted to see what would happen.)

(This did.)

"Hi Prime is that Elita? She's really really really really pretty! *twitches* Hurry up and have kids so I can see some baby Cybertronians! *giggles insanely* Do you like monkeys? I'd like a pet monkey. I'd call him Jim and get him a brother called Luigi! WHERE THE FRAG ARE MY MONKEYS?!"

(I ran off in search of the nonexistent monkeys.)

(Elita cracked up laughing.)

**Aliens did not seed Lady Gaga.**

(I showed Ratchet a picture of her.)

(He asked if she was a metal patient.)

(Jazz, who happened to be getting his arm reattached by Ratchet at the time, asked if her mother had been abducted and impregnated by an alien.)

(I saw an opportunity.)

(I told them my plan.)

(With some help from other members of the team, we managed to convince the world that Gaga was the child of the king of a race called the Loonylandi and that she was being used to brainwash the world into submission.)

(Sadly, Optimus found out.)

(He wasn't happy.)

(We had to apologise to Gaga and the world.)

(Next thing you know, Gaga made a new song called 'Reluctant Spawn' and thanked us for the idea.)

(RESULT!)

**DON'T photobomb during important vid-links. **

(I heard that Optimus was deep in a discussion with General Morshower over a vid-link...RESISTENCE WAS FUTILE!)

(I timed my moment perfectly.)

(I waited until Prime was about to say something before I did an epic bodyguard jump in front of the camera.)

"NOOOOO! THE GOFERS HAVE MY PIGGY!"

(The general thought it was funny.)

(I still got put on cleaning duty as punishment.)

(Stupid rules! Whoever makes up rules is a comple-oh yeah...)

**Boohba's are not a humane form of punishment.**

(Skids and Mudflap had been terrorising the new recruits again.)

(Optimus was trying to think of a way to punish them enough to make them stop.)

(I had the answer.)

(The flubby blob things even freaked little Annabel out.)

(I got Ratchet to secure the Chevy Twins to their chairs, and put the Boohba show on a two hour loop.)

(When we came to collect them, we saw they had glitched.)

(Badly.)

(Now they are very nice to the new soldiers.)

**DON'T quote Shaun of the Dead.**

(Sam, Carly and I were trying to explain zombies to Ultra Magnus and the other newbie 'bots.)

(Not a good idea anyway.)

(Then Sam asked me what I would do in a zombie apocalypse.)

(I ran around the base, yelling.)

"Come and get it! I'm a walking buffet! All you can eat!"

(Sam and Carly got the joke.)

(Magnus told Prime I was suicidal.)

**...**

"FUCK-A-DOODLE-DO!"

(No caption needed.)

**...**

(I was introducing the new 'bots to sparkmates Chromia and Ironhide.)

"And this is Ironhide, a man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and impenetrable fortress is the same thing."

(Chromia almost died laughing.)

(Ironhide asked how I knew that information.)

**DON'T travel in Prime's alt-form and ask him these questions.**

"Where does the toetag go on dead people of they have no feet?"

"What's Satan's last name?"

"If girls with big tits work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?"

"If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, then how come they don't go through the floor?"

"Could a cannibal get arrested for drink driving if he had eaten a drunk person?"

"Why can't doughnuts be square?!"

"Why is he called Donkey Kong if he's not a donkey?"

"In libraries, is the Bible put into the fiction or non-fiction section?"

"What is another word for 'thesaurus'?"

"Can a squirrel be allergic to nuts?"

"What colour blood do Smurfs have?"

"Since you're a robotic alien, I have to ask, what would happen if I put _your _head in a microwave?"

(I asked all of these during one long journey. Needless to say, Prime no longer offers to drive me anywhere.)

**DON'T write 'X-buried treasure' at random spots on the big holo-map in the conference hangar.**

(I was bored.)

(Nobody was about.)

(I had recently re-watched POTC.)

(I told them it was Sam.)

(Prowl was not amused and confined the protesting Sam to his room as punishment.)

(Jazz wanted to go treasure hunting.)

(Elita started laughing.)

(Prime smirked at me with a mischievous glint in his optics.)

(Damn, he knows...)

**Setting the printer to 200% zoom, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies is immature and expensive.**

(Galloway was annoying everyone.)

(I love pranking him, but this was done more out of a sense of duty.)

(You should have seen his face when he tried to print some kind of important government document.)

(Especially since I had stapled the middle of every piece of paper.)

"HA! HA!"

* * *

**Sorry if these are bad, I'm running out of ideas! There are only so many you can do without ending up doing the same thing as other writers! AHHHHGGGG!**

**Any suggestions from the readers?**

**Don't forget to review, and check out my other stories!**

**INVADER ZEE, GOING TO SLEEP NOW! Zzzzzzzzzz...**


	4. Twisted Sister

**Hey everyone! College has started. BUT...I have been given NO HOMEWORK! YIPEE! So, I decided to finish off the next set of rules for you guys. **

**Most of you might not fully understand a few of the jokes, but will find them funny regardless. Let's just say certain comics can be very influential...bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!**

**I would like it to be noted that I love humour of the dark and disturbing sort, (as does any fan of Invader Zim) as much as I love light-hearted jokes and bunnies and unicorns.  
****I appreciate dark humour in the way I appreciate chocolate. It's okay to indulge yourself now and then, but too much makes you sick. **

**BTW, I made up the part about getting hit by a car. I'm too clever and quick for that to happen. *runs around cackling madly***

**Anyhoo, enjoy and don't forget to review!**

**Elita;** "Here's something to make you all think. If the answer is five hundred million dollars, what is the question?"

**Optimus;** "How much ammunition does Ironhide go through a week?"

**Elita;** "No, but I can see how that makes sense."

**Me; "How much did Stephanie Meyer get paid when she cut the pretty little throat of that age-old beauty that is literature, desecrated its poor, twitching remains and painted primitive tattoos on herself with its still warm blood?"**

**Optimus and Elita;** "..." *slightly worried looks*

**Me;** **"I wonder how much I would got paid if I owned you guys...ah well. I don't own you, so I guess I'll never know."**

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots.**

**Part 4; Autobots. Twisted Sister**

* * *

**Making up stories about the afterlife is neither funny nor enlightening.**

(I got ran over by a car.)

(Not a robot one, just some jerky kid in a stolen motor.)

(It wasn't even a _nice _car, just some crappy old rust bucket. Hey, if you're going to run me down, at least do it in a Ferrari.)

(I had to be taken to hospital.)

(Apparently, I died for a few minutes.

(I can't really say I remember any of it.)

(Anyway, people back at NEST asked me if I saw anything.)

(I decided to have some fun.)

(I made my eye twitch a few times and gave a humourless laugh.)

"Yes actually. You know, that fat little lawn gnome of a God wouldn't answer some easy questions! I'm criminally insane, I accept that and I enjoy it immensely– but what I really wanted to know, was what HIS reason is for being SO DAMN FUCKED UP!"

(They just stared at me.)

(I walked off like a novelist.)

(Whatever that means.)

**DO insult idiots with a quote from your favorite comic. (If you want, I can write this moment in story form.)**

(Somehow *coughLeoandhisdorkywebsiteco ugh* people at my college found out about me living with the Autobots.)

(One of the teaching entities of said educational establishment decided to be smart with me.)

(He told me that I couldn't possibly be friends with the 'bots because they were mindless killing machines who have no other concept than their programming, therefore they did not have friends and I was only deluding myself, He said I should go to the police and they would find me a safe place to stay, as he said he knew how scared of the big nasty machines I must be.)

(Rather than disembowel the prat and use his still warm guts for my fashion project, I decided to fight words with words.)

(Adopting what has been dubbed by Sam as my 'I am about to kill you slowly and agonisingly' face, I spoke from the heart and soul.)

"You know that feeling you get? The one where you just know you're going to projectile vomit out of every orifice? I feel that right now. I want you away. Leave me to my vomit, you despicable creature."

(He backed away.)

(I made a mental note to use_ Leo's_ still warm guts for my fashion project.)

**DON'T say anything injury related in front of Ratchet.**

(I love to hang around with Wheeljack.)

(He's just like me. Mad, lovable, and completely cut off from the rest of reality.)

(One day, we were testing a new type of ammo on some crash test dummies in the firing range.)

(Due to unforeseen circumstances *ahemtoomuchdynamite* the ammo packed WAY too much wallop.)

(I was thrown backwards across the room and landed on my back.)

(Everyone asked if I was okay.)

"It's okay! I'm alright! I think my spine exploded, but I'm fine!"

(Ratchet freaked.)

(I didn't get out of the medbay for almost a whole week.)

(Still, it's Wednesday tomorrow.)

(I'm helping Wheeljack make supped-up ninja weapons.)

(Anyone want to guess on the injuries I will have by the end of this week?)

**A dead squid is not worth committing accidental suicide over.**

(There was a mission in Japan.)

(I LOVE Japan.)

(I was going, no matter what.)

(Anyway, the 'bots busted a group of humans who were stealing and selling Energon.)

(I saw a random dead squid, who I named Soap, on the floor and burst into tears.)

"I won't leave you Soap! Youse is my bruddah! I won't forget you! I do mighty ninja kick for you! HEEYAA!"

(I then kicked an Energon cube and almost blew myself up.)

(What? How was I supposed to see that glowing cube when I was full of grief for my deceased squid brother-in-arms. Alas poor Soap, I knew him well.)

**DO greet the President of France with something ridiculous.**

(I heard he was going to meet the 'bots for some reason or another.)

(I still remembered French lessons in Secondary School.)

(The moment was to brilliant to ignore.)

(I waited patiently for my moment to shine.)

(Eventually, I was introduced to the French President.)

"Bonjour! Je suis un tres grande pomme de terre!"

(Which actually means;)

"Hello! I am a very large potato!"

**Attention is golden.**

(I get bored when world leaders visit.)

(I get ignored a lot. Not on purpose, everyone is just very busy.)

(So, one day, there was a big, vitally important meeting going on.)

(I was annoyed at how much I had been ignored.)

(I bust into the room and declared my thoughts importantly in a Scottish accent.)

"I am wiggling my leg. Witness my leg! Everybody! Say it with me as I wiggle! Peas, peas, peas, peas, peas, peas, peas, OH MY PRIMUS! DAVID HASSELHOFF CAN FLY!"

(And with that, I waved to Optimus, bowed and walked calmly out of the room.)

* * *

**See you later! I have a nice piece of toffee cake that is waiting for me to eat it alive...**

**Hope you enjoyed this! **


	5. Cows Are My Frieeends

**Thought I might as well update, since I have some time. I am very very tired at the moment, so please excuse this if it's not as good as the others. **

**Prowl; "Now young lady, we need to talk. Your recent behaviour has been rather strange...even for you."**

**Me; ***says nothing and continues eating Skittles out of a giant cup.*

**Prowl; "I have to ask, what is giving you all these ideas?"**

**Me; **"Why should I tell you? All you'll do is ban me from reading _my most precious, precious treasure._ With that in foresight, I'LL NEVER TELL!"

**Prowl; "Read? Read what?"**

**Me; **"NEVER! Now be gone with you, simple minded wormslave! It's a good thing I don't own you, or I'd...I would...do something unspeakably HORRIBLE to you! Now leave me to my skittles, lest you face your DOOM!"

**P.S. Congratulations to Obama for becoming Mr President Man again. I don't really pay attention to US politics, or politics in general, so I have no idea if that is good or bad. Congratz anyway!**

**ONWARDS BRAVE IRKEN WARRIORS!**

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 5; Autobots. Cows are my frieeeends...**

* * *

**DON'T do bloody jokes, no matter how much fun they may be.**

(While doing my homework, I ended up spilling dark red paint all over me.)

(I was about to wash it off, but as usual, a brilliant idea popped into my head.)

(I waltzed into the hangar were all the 'bots were.)

(They freak out at the slightest thing. They thought I was bleeding and panicked.)

(I looked down and acted surprised.)

"It's nothing. It's just today I stuffed dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering, if maybe there really is something wrong with me."

(You don't want to know how they all reacted.)

(Glitching and mental tests galore!)

(On the bright side, no college for three days!)

**Optimus is the beloved, long-suffering father of the whole team.**

(He says he isn't.)

(He totally is.)

(I had been thinking about this for a while and, I'll be honest, these quotes don't exactly deny my claim.)

"_No! Get off! Stop it! I'm telling Prime! PRIME TELL HIM!"_

(That was Sideswipe trying to get Jazz to stop spraying him with ink.)

**...**

"_C'mon! That's not fair! I was only messin'."_

(Jazz, after Prime told him to stop and punished him by sending him to his quarters.)

**...**

"_Oh go on! Just a bit longer? Please?"_

(Sam, after Prime told him it was late and he had to go home.)

**...**

"_But whyyyyyyyyy?"_

(Bumblebee, after being told by Prime not to touch things in Wheeljack's lab.)

(Though he still denies my claim, we all know it to be true.)

(A few of us call him Dad now.)

**Yelling at cows is not normal behaviour. **

(Do you have any idea how long we had been driving?!)

(Almost a whole damn day!)

(We stopped to deal with some 'cons.)

(I stayed out of sight until the 'cons had been sent packing.)

(Then I saw some cows in a field further up.)

(When the 'bots turned around, this was me.)

"Hey you! Stop eating grass! This isn't some kind of grass eating place where you can eat grass! Hear me! I am da law!"

(Ironhide thought it was funny.)

(Prowl didn't.)

(Maybe it was the 'I am da law'. He _**is **_a police car after all...)

**Screaming random things out loud during a mental exam won't get you anywhere.**

(I had to do _another _one after the cows incident.)

(I passed them all so far.)

(I swear, the medbay has become my second home.)

(Then Ratchet fatally asked me to tell him what was going through my mind at that point in time.)

(I won't lie, my mind is an odd place.)

(I grabbed his head and started yelling.)

"End this pathetic deception! I _know_ you've got Martians in your head! Gimme them Martians! I'm going to put butter on them!"

(You don't want to know how he reacted...)

**DO make your battle cries unique to yourself.**

(Ironhide challenged me to a shooting contest.)

(This was my answer.)

"I'm going to kick your aft so hard, my foot will get stuck in there till next Christmas!"

**...**

(Sam said nobody could scare him after everything he's been through.)

(I didn't believe that for one moment.)

"Insolent foolboy! CHALLANGE ACCEPTED! Prepare your bladder for imminent release!"

**Ironhide does not appreciate comedy**

(Everyone knows how rough he can be with the new recruits.)

(His excuse is that they need to toughen up.)

(Struck by a sudden flash of genius, I found a big piece of wood and some paint.)

(The next time 'Hide went into the training room with some rookies, there was a large sign on the wall.)

'If you can read this, you're probably not dead yet. Ironhide will soon have that fixed – The Management.'

(The others thought it was funny.)

(Ironhide didn't.)

(He knows it was me, but he has no proof.)

**A pessimistic attitude can have good results.**

(Ratchet had taken away all my sugary goodness.)

(Plus I felt very ill.)

(Needless to say, I became depressed.)

(This is how the day went.)

**...**

(Galloway decided to visit.)

(He began his usual tirade as soon as he walked in the door.)

(After a few minutes, I'd had enough.)

(I slammed my sketchbook onto the table, making sure I had everyone's attention.)

"Despite the forgivable ignorance of this savage horror we call humanity, you are the damned limit of my tolerance. You were likely raised by imbeciles, poorly prepared for adulthood, capable only of perpetuating your genetic flaws. What tragedy it is not to be smart enough to know you are doomed to live and die in a painful idiocy."

**...**

(Some annoying rookie soldier was going on about how brilliant his little sisters exam results were.)

(Sure, I didn't mind it at first, but once the conversation passes the twenty minute mark, something has to be done.)

"If you actually believe true intelligence is determined by some standardized system, well, then she can't be THAT smart. The ability to repeat memorized data is hardly worth such joy."

**...**

(Normally I am one of the few people who can actually put up with Sunstreaker.)

(But I hadn't had sugar for about five hours.)

(He did nothing but piss me off.)

"I wish...I truly wish someone would just...turn you off and...fix you."

**...**

(Bu the end of the day, Prime had ordered Ratchet to give me my sugar back.)

(In no time at all, I was back to my usual happy self.)

"I HAVE POWERS PINTO BEANS CAN ONLY DREAM OF!"

(And so on and so forth.)

* * *

**Guh. My sketchbook is calling. I have to make surface patterns out of cathedral architecture. I utterly DESPISE drawing architecture. It's always so complicated and boring. **

**Ta-Ta for now!**


	6. Friendship Is As Friendship Does!

**Hi again! I still don't have my surface patters done, but they don't have to be in until Wednesday anyway, so no rush. :)  
I don't think this list will ever be considered 'complete'. There are just too many moments in real life that I can apply to it. Most of these in this part of the list are things that I have said or done, but obviously others are made up. Maybe one day when I'm old and grey, I'll eventually run out of ideas, haha! **

**I know I said that I might write a full blown fic to explain the story behind these rules, and I have decided to make that my 'Stop and Stare' series. The first one has a few chapters up, but these rules won't become relevant until the second part of the series. **

**If you can't wait that long, tell me, would you lovely readers like me to write some of your favourite rules in full fic form? If you do, please tell me which ones you would like me to write in your review. I'll look through the reviews and tally up the scores, then I'll set to work! **

***LEDC- Less Economically Developed Country**

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 6; Autobots. Friendship is as friendship does.**

* * *

**DO argue near Prime when he's tired.**

(Normally, our lovely Optimus is very calm and collected. Gentle in his ways and very sweet.)

(But when he's tired, there is a whole other side to him that just takes over.)

(For example, earlier tonight, Ironhide and I were arguing about using weapons in sport.)

(I got exasperated with him and his trigger happy ways.)

"Look, no matter which way you look at it, you don't use a fucking gun to play golf!"

(Prime, without a hint of expression, said this.)

"You do if you're playing against Tiger Woods."

(I would have high-fived him if I hadn't been laughing so damn hard.)

(I honestly have no difficulty imagining 'Hide shooting Tiger Woods into oblivion.)

**If you want to understand English culture, just ask an Englishman.**

(Prime couldn't understand why the English government were so hesitant help other counties out with their problems.)

(This time, it was something to with slavery in an LEDC.)

(So, in desperation, he asked me why there was so much resistance.)

(I patted his arm and told him the truth.)

"Sorry honey, but that's the English way. Sure, we believe in freedom being the right of all sentient beings, we just can't be arsed to do anything about it."

**Sam is NOT gay.**

(He acts it.)

(Seriously, have you _heard _the way he screams.)

(And now he has one of those weird side-bag things that is essentially a handbag.)

(Those two things combined usually mean only one thing.)

(Yesterday he was whining about his muddy shoes, so I called him gay.)

(He said.)

"You can't accuse me of being gay simply because I like clean shoes."

(My reply.)

"Yes I can."

**DON'T let me explain economics.**

(Wheeljack was interested in human currency.)

(He wanted to have a first-hand opinion on the English Recession.)

(So I told him.)

(Honestly, I had barely noticed there was one. Nothing seemed any different.)

(Then he wanted to know why it was called a recession.)

(I had to think about it, but eventually thought of this simple explanation.)

"See, it's all to do with a good name. The word _'recession'_ sounds serious, but the phrase _'credit crunch'_ sounds like a flavour of Ben & Jerry's."

**I am no longer allowed to speak to politicians.**

(I was very bored.)

(The news was on.)

(I happened to be sat next to President Obama.)

(There was a report about worldwide economy that came on.)

(I turned to Obama.)

"Remember ages ago when the Federal National Mortgage Association, sometimes shortened to Fannie Mae, was in financial trouble? There was a headline on one of the English papers that read 'Fannie Mae Collapse' and I honestly thought that Kerry Katona was pregnant again."

(It took him a while, but he got it eventually.)

**DON'T intentionally freak out Red Alert.**

(That 'bot is _unbelievably _paranoid and skittish.)

(Come on, what would you have done?)

(He was in the medbay with Ratchet and me, and we were talking about jobs for some reason.)

(I saw an opportunity.)

"Yeah, I used to work as an M.E. for the New York Police Department, but I got fired when the death certificate said 'Cause of Death; Autopsy'."

(Red Alert glitched and fell to the floor.)

(Ratchet told me off.)

(Sigh. Some people just don't appreciate my humour.)

**Graffiti can be fun.**

(In case you hadn't noticed, I get bored easily.)

(There are so many things I can get up to with spray paint and permanent marker.)

**...**

'Break glass in case of overwhelming despair.'

(I wrote this on a fire axe case.)

**...**

'Knock. JUST YOU TRY IT PUNK!'

(Wrote this on Ironhide's door.)

**...**

'OMFG! TIME MACHINE!'

(On the lift doors.)

**...**

'Physician's Chambers. Enter at thine own risk, worthy knave or fair maiden.'

(Sprayed on the medbay doors.)

(Prime rather liked that one.)

**Reality is NOT a video game or a TV show.**

(Wheeljack and I had a long conversation about this.)

(We annoyed everyone around us.)

(We found it interesting so screw them.)

(Then I remembered something, and my mind went into overdrive.)

"Remember when scientists built that supercollider to smash the atoms and protons? Wouldn't it be brilliant if they found out how protons worked, all of reality collapsed in on itself and a musical note sounded, accompanied by a voice that said 'LEVEL TWO; PLAYER UPGRADES AVAILABLE'."

(I think that would be awesome!)

**...**

(Prime and I were talking about diversity of cultures.)

(Don't ask how we get on these topics.)

(The conversation was quite normal, but then I had one of my lightbulb moments.)

"How funny would it be if when you died, you went to someplace that was just like the X-Factor. Just all the deities on a panel, and the one you chose pushes a buzzer that says 'BLUFF' and then you fall through a trapdoor that leads to oblivion. But if you chose the right deity, you win a free cherub and a holiday in Heaven."

* * *

**Sorry if these are bad. I have a rather bad headache at the moment, so it makes it hard to concentrate, but I REALLY want to update this. **

**Don't forget to tell me which of these rules you'd like written up in full fic form! Choose your favourite ones.**

**INVADER ZEE, SIGNING OFF! *head explodes***


	7. All That Jazz!

**It's been a while for this one...I kinda lost my imagination for a while, but my newest fic 'Winterlight' REALLY gave my creativeness a boost! Do have a look-see at it, along with my other stories, and leave some reviews. :D**

**Jazz; *is singing* **"I got a jar of derp, I got a jar of derp, I got a jar of derp, and it's missile guided!"

**Prowl; "That is illogical. It is impossible to have a jar of an invented word, let alone for it be missile guided."**

**Me; *continues singing the song, unfazed* **"I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt, Angus was inside it!"

**Prowl; "That is also illogical. Why would you have a jar large enough to hold this Angus, whom I have never heard of, and how would he have gotten into the jar if it was full of dirt?"**

**Jazz and Me; *still singing* **"We don't own Transformers, we don't own Transformers, we don't own Transformers, we really wish we did though!"

**Okidoki, now...where was I...ooooooh yeah...This part of the story/rules has been co-written by Jazz, he wanted a go at it. His parts are in bold. How much damage can his input cause? **

**No seriously guys, how much trouble am I in once the rest of the bots find out that I forgot to ask them to write something?! *meep***

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 7; All that Jazz!**

* * *

**Songs will NOT get you out of trouble**

(Jazz and I snuck out to do a bit of racing.)

(We didn't think anyone would notice.)

(They did.)

(Damn Red Alert and his paranoid tracking capabilities.)

(We got summoned back, and walked into the base sheepishly.)

(Optimus asked us what in Primus name we were thinking, taking such risks.)

"_Didn't make sense not to live for fun, _

_your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb._

_So much to do, so much to see,_

_So what's wrong with taking the backstreets?_

_You'll never know if you don't go_

_You'll never shine if you don't glow!"_

(Only Jazz and I thought it was funny. Nobody else did. I mean, Bee smiled, but he didn't crack up until AFTER we got shut in the brig, where he spent the next few hours laughing at our misfortune.)

(I still haven't forgiven him.)

(Neither has Jazz.)

**...**

**(S'up kiddies?)**

**(In case ya hadn't noticed, Zoe and me like to sneak out a lot.)**

**(This time, Sam and Carly came with us.)**

**(Friday night, some friends and a super speedy, super sexy car to ride around in. *wink*)**

**(Awesome right? No. Not awesome at all.)**

**(Sam got hopelessly drunk and we somehow lost him.)**

**(Carly got into a few fights.)**

**(I almost got slagged by Barricade.)**

**(I have no idea what Zoe did...frankly, I don't wanna know.)**

**(When we all got back to base, Optimus was pissed off.)**

**(REEEAAAL pissed off.)**

**(He asked me what happened.)**

"_**Last Friday night  
Yeah we danced on tabletops  
And we took too many shots  
Think we kissed but I forgot...  
Last Friday night  
Yeah we maxed our credit cards  
And got kicked out of the bar  
So we hit the boulevard  
Last Friday night  
We went streaking in the park  
Skinny dipping in the dark  
Then had a menage a toi  
Last Friday night"**_

**(Singin' this was NOT one of my better ideas.)**

**(You don't even wanna know how he reacted...)**

**(Dang, it was scary.)**

**(Brig, sweet, brig.)**

**...**

(Have I already told you that Wednesday is my special 'I-get-to-blow-stuff-up-with-Wheeljack' day?)

(Well, it is.)

(Today, we created a spark frame with Ratchet.)

(We tested it on a flight drone.)

(IT WORKED! HALLELUJAH!)

(For about five seconds.)

(The drone went wild, flying around the base, screaming all the while.)

(When all three of us were asked for a explanation, I simply replied,)

"_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky_

_Are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now."_

_(_They were not impressed.)

(Elita eventually managed to subdue the 'bot with some motherly love.)

(She named her Sunwings.)

(As happy as I am about the little sparkling, I have one teeny tiny iggle question.)

(Who is going to break the news to Optimus when he gets back from Finland that he has an adopted daughter now?!)

**...**

**(I was late for an important meeting.)**

**(Not my fault!)**

**(Lil'doll Sunwings fell over on the ice, poor babe, so I took her to Ratchet to get her knee patched up.)**

**(When I finally got there, some government dick was rude about my excuse.)**

**(The words jus' sprang outta my mouth.)**

"_**I see your dirty face,  
High behind your collar  
What is done in vain,  
Truth is hard to swallow  
So you pray to God  
To justify the way you live a lie  
Live a lie  
Live a lie"**_

**(Zoe ran in and sang the rest.)**

"_Because when I arrive  
I, I'll bring the fire  
Make you come alive  
I can take you higher  
What this is, you forgot?  
I must now remind you  
Let It Rock!  
Let It Rock!  
Let It Rock!"_

**(Heh, what can I say?)**

**(When you got the music in your soul, you get so excited, and you just can't hide it!)**

**(See what I did there?)**

*groan* (Reallly Jazz? Really? Of all the music related humour you could've used...)

**DON'T ask random questions, no matter how badly you may want the answer.**

"What would happen if a pig ate sunscreen?"

(Why do I expect Optimus to know the answer to everything?)

**...**

"**On a scale of one to penguin, how awesome am I?"**

**(Prowler didn't understand the question.)**

**(Let's get this straight, if you said penguin, I would be flattered. Ya wanna know why? Because penguins are awesome.)**

**...**

"If the government keep feeding everyone bullshit every day, then do all humans automatically become Bullshitavores?"

(There are some questions that apparently you can't ask the president.)

(What? I thought it was a fairly smart question.)

**...**

"**Hey man, if the universe is EVERYTHING, and its expanding, just what is it expanding into?"**

**(I thought OP might know the answer to that one.)**

**(He just said something very deep and philosophical that I didn't understand.)**

**... **

"If Vegetarians only eat vegetables, then shouldn't Humanitarians only eat people?"

(Bumblebee thought it was funny.)

(I was being serious.)

**...**

"**If you go back in time and have sex with yourself, would that be rape or ****masturbation?"**

**(Ratchet was actually stumped.)**

**VICTORY FOR JAZZ!**

**...**

"If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?"

(Ironhide told me to shut up and concentrate on the target before I blew someone's head off.)

(He's one to talk.)

**...**

If 'guns don't kill people, people kill people' is true, then what about, toasters don't toast toast, toast toasts toast?"

(We really should stop assuming that Optimus is going to be able to answer all the random slag that pops into our processors.)

**Eggs are for eating, not pranks**

(It was Sam's idea.)

(He, Carly, Bee and I went out and got a LOT of eggs.)

(We then waited until all the soldiers had gone to sleep.)

(We put the eggs in all of their boots.)

(Then we went to the 'bots asleep in their alt forms.)

(We put the rest of the eggs on their seats.)

(The next morning, we got up early so we could hear the most beautiful sound a teenager can dream of.)

"DAMN KIDS!"

"YOU FOUR ARE SO DEAD!"

"ARGH! GROSS! Who put eggs in my boot?!"

"EGGS! ALL OVER MY INTERIOR! JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET MY CANNONS BACK!"

"Aw, babydoll, why me? I thought you loved me!?"

(We 'cracked' up laughing.)

**DO change the 'Attack Level' board in the main hangar**

(It used to say this;)

**GREEN;** _No threat_

**BLUE;** _Suspected threat_

**AMBER;** _Significant threat_

**RED;** _Imminent attack_

(I thought this was boring, so I gave it a makeover!)

(It now says;)

**Jazz level; **_Chill dudes, nothin's going on._

**Red Alert level;** _H-Huh? Did you hear that?_

**Sam level;** _OMG! THEY'RE COMING! WE'RE GONNA DIE_!

**Optimus level;** _Pfftt! Bitch, bring it._

(I much prefer this one!)

**DON'T, if you value your life, prank Zoe**

**(After the eggs incident, I had to get her back.)**

**(I know she hates bananas.)**

**(So, when she was sleepin', I hung a overripe banana skin from a long string over her bed, just above her face.)**

**(A few days passed, and I thought I'd gotten away with it.)**

**(Next time I walked into my berthroom, it was covered in mashed up bananas.)**

**(I slipped and fell flat on my face in the horrible mushy mess.)**

**(Took me DAYS to stop smelling like bananas.)**

"HA HA! VICTORY FOR ZEE!"

**DON'T speak to each other in Judoon**

(Fellow Whovians will fully get this.)

(Tired of the bots being able to listen in on our conversations, Hollie and I learned a few phases in Judoon.)

(Hollie said,)

"Sco! Po! Tro! No! Ko! Fo! Toh-Toh!"

(I replied,)

"No! Bo! Sho! Rro! Toh! So! Bucaduzbubbafuppajo!"

(I paused and nodded to the perplexed bots, before adding,)

"Mho-ho."

(Oh boy, ANOTHER mental test.)

(Apparently talking like Space Rhino policemen isn't normal.)

* * *

**Meh. I was bored. **

**I had a bit of a giggle with these, so hopefully you guys will. **

**Don't get to review! Also, have a look at my other stories, if you guys like this series, then you'll probably like my fics to. **

**INVADER ZEE, OVER AND OUT. *falls asleep***


	8. Monsters and Mayhem!

**Everyone has a theme song. You wanna know mine? It's either The Hamster Song or Waka Laka! Both are mad, but still so addictive...JUST LIKE ME! XD**

**These rules are in no particular order, just whatever pops into my head really, so don't try and make a chronological order out of them! Haha! **

**Me; *sees sweets* **"Oooooooh, sugaaaaaaar..."

**Ratchet; "NO! Do you even care what that**_** POISON**_** is doing to your body?!"**

**Me; **"Not particularly, why do you ask?"

**Ratchet; "It causes an increase in glucose level, which leads to ****mood changes, sudden tiredness, constant headaches and the unyielding desire to eat even **_**more**_** sugar. It can also cause immune system disorders, there is a correlation between usage of glycolic products including sugar and obesity or diabetes. Such products also increase the risk of heart diseases.** **Glycolic products can be linked with various cancer forms and also…*continues babbling on***

**Me; *eats sweets* **"Uh huh? Really? Interesting. It's a good thing I don't own you Ratchet, else I would have had _your _vocal systems broken instead of Bee's…"

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 8; Autobots. Monsters and Mayhem**

* * *

**You are NOT Prof. Frankenstein**

(The 'bots had been to the moon.)

(Yeah, **WITHOUT ME!**)

(Traitors!)

(Anyway, there was this guy called Sentinel who was about to be brought back to life, I assume.)

(I think he's our Prime's daddy or something.)

(I wasn't really paying attention when it was all explained.)

(Anyway, this Sentinel dude got up and attacked Optimus.)

(I chose this moment to yell extremely loudly.)

"OH MY PRIMUS! IT'S…ALIVE!"

(Prime cracked up, and the rest soon followed.)

(Even Mearing's lips twitched.)

(Sentinel looked to Optimus for an explanation.)

(Optimus was too busy laughing his aft off.)

**DON'T pretend Annabel's stuffed toy is alive**

(Heh, what can I say?)

(I was bored.)

(B.O.R.E.D)

(The 'bots were watching me suspiciously. They know by now that it's dangerous to mix boredom and me together.)

(Then I saw Annabel's teddy bear on the couch.)

(I picked it up and held it up to my ear.)

"Hmm? What's that Mr. Bear? Mm, Hmm. Yeeess. Hmm? Yeah. Really? Uh, Huh. Okaay. What? Hmm. Well FUCK YOU MR. BEAR! You speak LIES! LIIIIES! Stuffed with pure venom, you vile lint infested rat! How many more like you are there?! How many more?! You can't even imagine the things I've endured! And always at the hands of people like you! You don't know the truth!"

(Not a good idea.)

(Ironhide shot the bear, thinking it was a Decepticon spy that had been trying to posses Annabel.)

(He didn't even wait for me to put the toy down.)

(I now have very burnt hands.)

(Not all bad though, Prime gave me a hug when I pretended to cry about the whole thing. *epic thumbs up*)

(He doesn't like it when humans cry...)

**DO reassure a depressed Prime, in your own, twisted, odd way**

(I don't know if you heard, but Sentinel turned out to be a really nasty guy.)

(He ripped my Optimus's arm off! MY Optimus!)

(As Dino would say; bastardo! Cazzo! Bruciare all'inferno!)

(Anyway, I was in the medbay with Sam and Carly and Elita.)

(We were really worried about OP, he seemed so depressed and lonely, even with Elita sat next to him.)

(Ratchet began to reattach OP's arm.)

(I have _never _heard OP scream like that. And I don't ever want to again. *shudder*)

(I did make him laugh a bit though.)

(I cuddled his hand and said.)

"Think of that sensation as reassurance that you are not dead yet."

**DON'T panic an already stressed out Ratchet**

(Okay, to be fair, I was trying to cheer Optimus up.)

(Poor guy is still in the medbay.)

(I ran in, determined to make him laugh by any means possible.)

"OH RATCHET! IT'S HORRIBLE! PLEASE HELP ME!"

(He panicked and put me on the berth next to a worried Optimus, asking what the problem was while scanning me frantically.)

(I raised my arms and told him as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.)

*sob* "It's these hands! I can't seem to get them off my wrists!"

(I might have gotten a wrench thrown at me, but at least I made Optimus laugh.)

**DON'T hijack the intercom system on the Ark**

(It gets boring on long flights.)

(So, I snuck into the cockpit while nobody was there, and convinced the sentient ship to let me have some fun.)

(Who knew Teletraan 1 could be such a hoot?!)

(It let me say this over the intercom.)

"We offer our sincerest apologies to the passengers on this flight, but due to unforeseen extremist fundamentalism, this ship is being diverted to paradise."

(The humans panicked this time.)

(Shame the 'bots know my voice.)

(I would have LOVED to see _their_ reaction.)

**The following quotes are banned**

(Most of these were my fault.)

(Sorry guys.)

_(You better be! Elita out.)_

**...**

"Skeetos drinked my head juice!"

(One First Aid worked out what I had actually said, he panicked and wanted to give me a 'brain transfusion' and a 'Skeetos repellent'.)

**...**

"He's _not _the Messiah! He's a very naughty boy!"

(I pointed to Optimus.)

(The newly arrived Alnai Prime, his mother, laughed so hard she fell off her chair.)

(She later assured me that Optimus was a very well behaved sparkling.)

**...**

"I am government man, come from the government. The government has sent me."

(Obama laughed himself silly.)

(Mearing didn't.)

(Moody guts.)

**...**

"My Tallest! My Tallest! Hey! Hey My Tallest! My Tallest? My Tallest! Hey! Hey! Hey! My Taaaaaaallist! My Tallest? My Tallest! Hey! Hey My Tallest! My-my Tallest? It's me! My Tallest? My Tallest! My Tallest!?"

(What? Optimus IS the tallest.)

(THEREFORE HE IS THE LEADER OF THE IRKEN EMPIRE!)

(He doesn't understand.)

(Elita does.)

(She likes Invader Zim too!)

(We call him Almighty Tallest Red now.)

**...**

"You expect me to ride in that filthy, non-sentient, non-alien contraption? Have you the brain worms?"

**(No. Mr. Magnus Sir does not have the brainy worms.)**

(GO AWAY JETSTORM! Magnus deserved that emergency brain scan!)

(Can you believe he wanted ME to take the BUS?!)

**...**

"But, warrior blood marches through my veins, like GIANT RADIOACTIVE RUBBER PANTS! The pants command me! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!"

*sigh* (Even _that _was apparently 'not sufficient reason or valid excuse' for Elita to get out of the medbay and go fightin'.)

(I was rather proud of her when she yelled that at Ratchet.)

(The student has become the master.)

**...**

"Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, fuck him. You're a mile away, and you have his shoes! BWAHAHAHA!"

(Optimus was disappointed.)

(He thought I was going to say something philosophical and deep.)

(Moi? Never!)

* * *

***yawn* It's quite late now in England, about ten to eleven. **

**Which of the rules so far would you like written up in one-shot form? I really want to do one, but I'm not sure which one. **


	9. Tales of Wonder & Woe: FUCK YOU MR BEAR!

**This is one of my most beloved rules. Talking to inanimate objects is so much fun. (Especially on public transport...)**

**I will eventually have the hands one and the walking a mile in a man's shoes one up. But one-shots are harder to write than they seem...**

* * *

**The Wonders and Woes of Living With Giant Robots**

**Tale One; "Well FUCK YOU MR. BEAR!"**

* * *

It was official. I was bored.

B.O.R.E.D

The base was practically empty, far too quiet for my liking. Most of the 'bots were either off fighting 'cons, or busy on errands in other countries. I looked around the Rec room. Optimus was busy talking to Obama about something deeply boring no doubt, Ironhide was sat at one of the tables with a glowing energon cube, polishing his beloved cannons until they gleamed. I couldn't even visit Wheeljack, as he was in stasis after one of his inventions blew up again, being looked after by the very cranky Ratchet, whom Moonracer had given up trying to subdue and was sat on the table near the window, holding a data pad. Her pretty silvery green face was creased with a frown as she read whatever was on the little screen.

All in all, not much for me to play around with. I lay back on the big 'bot couch, staring at the dent in the ceiling as I tried to come up with something to do. You know what I came up with? Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I did snicker to myself at the way the assembled 'bots would shoot me suspicious glances ever now and then. They had long learned that you should never mix boredom and me together. It was like electricity and water. It made pretty sparkles with fantastic results, but usually ended up injuring someone in a roundabout way.

But still. Bored.

Yawning, I glanced across the Rec room at what has been dubbed 'Annabel's Corner'. It's literally stowed out with toddler stuff. Crayons, colouring books, plastic chairs, pretend tea sets, posters with unicorns and rainbows and stuffed toys all reside in that area.

There are no Barbie's though, the 'bots REFUSE to even give house room to such sexist and mindless garbage. They feel the idea of having a doll who is obsessed with herself and clothes, while being a dumb blonde and wearing so much make up her face might fall off, is demeaning to women. Bratz are banned too. The 'bots nearly had spark attacks when they saw Annabel watching one of the movies. They still shudder at the memory of such slutty attire and ridiculous attitude problems. Have you seen the baby ones? They even have _make up _on, plus their clothes aren't exactly childlike. They are supposed to be _toddlers _for Primus sake! Prowl glitched, Wheeljack burned the dolls, Elita now hates Matel with a passion and Bee sabotaged all the major factories that make the dolls. (We blamed the Decepticons. I'm sure they wouldn't mind.)

We did laugh when Annabel innocently said the pink twins were just like Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Now every time Jazz sees them, he quotes Kirsty and Katie. E.g. 'Ow! MY NOSE!' and 'My new ensemble!'.

Anyway, I happened to see Slouchy, Annabel's third favourite teddy. (Ironhide is her first favourite, and Optimus is her second fave, haha!) I remembered that Annabel likes to talk to the bears, and that first time she did it, the 'bots freaked out, thinking she had mental problems. Now they don't really mind. They're getting better at the whole 'accepting the strangeness of humans' thing. Elita even plays with her and talks to the toys as well.

Walking across to Annabel's Corner, I picked Slouchy up and held him to my ear, trying not to laugh at the looks I was getting.

"Hmm? What's that Mr. Bear? Mm, Hmm. Yeeess. Hmm? Yeah. Really? Uh, Huh. Okaay. What? Hmm. Well FUCK YOU MR. BEAR!" I suddenly yelled, pointing at the bear accusingly. "You speak LIES! **LIIIIES!** Stuffed with **pure venom**, you vile lint infested rat! How many more like you are there?! How many more?! You can't even imagine the things I've endured! And always at the hands of people like you! You don't know the truth!"

I was about to drop the bear and walk away in pretend disgust, when the bear literally blew up in my hands. At first I was overjoyed, thinking that Wheeljack's efforts had not been in vain and I now had super powers. But due to the painful energon burns on my hands, I soon realised that Ironhide had shot the bear from across the room, and was now raging about 'no-good punk-ass Decepticon spies possessing Annnabel' and that he was going to 'slag them to the Pit so badly, that Primus himself will feel it'.

I, meanwhile, had been gently gathered up by a half furious, half worried Optimus and carried to the medbay to get my hands bandaged and cleaned before the energon did permanent damage to my body.

You could say that Thursday had not been a good day.

On the other hand, I pretended to cry to get out of trouble, and got a lovely hug from Optimus for my troubles. He really hates it when humans cry, so if he's ever giving you a lecture on why using Jolt's whips as skipping ropes is dangerous, or telling you off for some awesome prank you pulled, just cry. He will instantly be nice to you. Ratchet just stroked my back, (he's not a huggie person).

Next time, I'll make sure Ironhide is NOT in the room when I talk to inanimate objects...

* * *

**So...how did I do?**

**I think I might need to tweak the ending...maybe...I dunno. :|**

**Next time, I'll be cheering Optimus up!**


	10. Laughter, Toons & Hoards of The Undead!

**Rain, rain, go away, come again another day...**

**It has rained non-stop for three days now. Everywhere is flooded, the puddles are more like duck ponds than anything else. **

**Don't get me wrong, I love the rain, but when mushrooms start growing in my boots, I draw the line. :D**

**Me; **"Huh." *looks around empty base, prowls through corridors, does epic spying action around corners* "Everyone is out. I guess there's no fun disclaimers today..."

**Perceptor; *walks jauntily into room* "On the contrary my dear girl, I stayed behind to finish up on some of my research."**

**Me; **"Yey! I'm not alone!" *hugs Percy's foot* "I know I don't own everything, but will you grant me one little request? Can I own you for a few hours?"

**Perceptor; *picks me up* "If it will make you happy, then I don't see why not!" *carries me to lab* "Now, if I can just monitor those **_**fascinating **_**brainwaves that humans have..."**

**Me; **"YEY! I GET TO BE A HUMAN GUINEA PIG AGAIN!"

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules Of Living With Giant Robots!**

**Part 9; Autobots. Laughter, cartoons and the merciless hoard of the undead!**

* * *

**DON'T let me give talks to children**

(Oh come on, those school presentations are always so stupid!)

(My little sister had to attend one.)

(I livened it up a little for her.)

(This time, they were trying to teach 9 year olds why drugs were bad.)

(I messed with the power point, and the next day when they tried to play the PP, there was a video recording of me holding up a fake severed head with no eyes, covered in pretend gore and blood.)

"Kids, drugs won't help things. You might not know this, but they actually turn you into hideous little freaky troll baby things with exploding eyeballs!"

(Some of them were crying!)

(I don't think those kids will _ever _do drugs.)

(See? Problem solved.)

**Slasher movies are banned**

(Meh. I don't like them anyway.)

(Always so unrealistic and brainless.)

(But that's not the point.)

(Everything was fine, even when the deranged knife-wielding killer showed up.)

(Nobody freaked.)

(Until I decided to channel my inner serial killer and ran in with an axe in one hand, and a meat cleaver in the other.)

"HEEEEEEERE'S ZOE!"

(Whoa. You don't even want to know what happened next...)

(Let's just say Ironhide has some apologising to do.)

(He nearly took my head off!)

**Fake blood is now on the ever growing list of things that are banned from base**

(Aw. I love fake blood.)

(There is SO much you can do with it!)

(Yeah, you know by now that this rule is all my fault.)

(But it's _not_ my fault that Prowl has no sense of humour.)

(It's all because I painted this on the front gate of the base in fake blood.)

"Enjoy your stay..."

(Prowl didn't appreciate what I was implying.)

(I thought it was funny.)

**It's REALLY not a good idea to talk to stuffed toys**

(I know, I know, I should have learnt my lesson by now.)

(But Ironhide wasn't in the base, so I figured I was okay to do so.)

(I bought a teddy especially for the job.)

(I waited for everything to go quiet in the rec room before looking at the bear and giggling madly.)

"Noooo...you're silly Shmee, setting people on fire is wrong!"

(Next thing I know, I almost get squished by the glitching Red Alert.)

(And having an emergency mental exam by Ratchet.)

(Open flames are not allowed at base anymore.)

(Drat. I was going to set Sam's arse on fire...)

(Again.)

**DON'T tell Wheeljack and Perceptor about zombies**

(They will try to create one.)

*serious face*

(I am not lying when I say this. I don't know how, but they eventually managed it.)

(Not possible you say? Yeah, tell that to the walking corpse that tried to eat Sam.)

(Everyone thought it was one of the soldiers messing around.)

(Oh no. No, no, no, no.)

(We only twigged it was a zombie when it got gutted after it walked into the path of Sideswipe's blades and still carried on walking.)

(Needless to say, panic ensued.)

(The whole problem was solved when Elita shot the zombie in the head and asked everyone if they had ever actually seen a zombie film before.)

(I think she's seen EVERY zombie film. She loves that kind of thing.)

(Another good reason why she's my bestie!)

(Anyway, I didn't speak to Wheeljack and Perceptor for weeks.)

(Not because of the whole moral issue of creating an undead monster, no.)

(I was annoyed that they hadn't let me help!)

**Miku Hatsune is banned**

(BUT I LOVE MIKU! Not as much as Ayumi Hamasaki, but still...)

(Reason for this rule?)

(Three words.)

(Ievan Polkka)

(PoPiPo)

(Okay, it wasn't _necessarily_ my fault that I accidently put those songs on a loop in all the 'bots comm. links while they were asleep.)

(It just sorta...happened.)

"PoPiPoPiPoPiPo, PoPiPoPiPoPiPo, PoPiPoPiPoPiPo, PoPiPoPiPoPiPo WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(I love that song...)

**No more Family Guy**

(Aw. Elita and I love Stewie...)

(And it's so much fun to quote that show...)

**...**

"French fired puhtaytuhrs..."

(Oh dear Primus! Elita, I love you so much!)

(Can you believe she said that when asked what her reason was for protecting Earth?!)

(On **LIVE **TV!)

(Like a boss! Like a goddamn BOSS!)

**...**

"Hey...shut up!"

(I said that to Galloway.)

(Oh come on! You guys would totally do the same.)

(Too bad Galloway didn't do as I ordered.)

(Like he'd listen to anyone but his mother.)

(And she's _dead_.)

**...**

"Just passin' through, see anything you like honey, speak up."

(Prime was not happy when Elita said that while walking through the prisoner hangar.)

(Especially since she was swaying those incredible hips of hers about.)

*green with envy*

(This random 'con and I bust a gut laughing.)

(I think she was talking to OP anyway. He still glares at her sometimes.)

(She just laughs and blows a kiss.)

**...**

"Oh yeah!? Well...your...your sirens sound like gay guys having a threesome!"

(That was a low blow, even for me.)

(But Prowl was being a total jerk.)

(And hey, he did crack a smile before sending me to the brig.)

(Guess he's not so humourless after all.)

**...**

(I think Obama really enjoys visiting base.)

(He's coming over at least twice a month now.)

(I always have something creative to say when he walks through the door.)

(Today was no different.)

"The government is here! RUN E.T. RUN!" *points to the 'bots*

(Jazz played along and ran away, yelling 'E.T. PHONE HOME! E.T. PHONE HOME!')

**...**

(Dino was whining to Ratchet about some virus he got infected with when Soundwave shot him.)

(I happened to be walking by.)

"HAHAHA! Evolve much?"

(At least Ratchet thought it was funny.)

(Dino threw a total diva fit.)

(Again.)

**...**

"Oh you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass!"

(Oh Elita, why do we not have you in the political meetings with world leaders and royalty more often?)

(Even Optimus laughed at that one.)

**I am NOT crazy. I'm creative! Try it sometime!**

(Okay, look! All I did was read aloud from the back of my chocolate orange!)

"My delicious chocolate pieces are made with 100% real orange!"

(Ratchet did some emergancy tests to make sure I was not turning into a chocolate orange.)

(His excuse was that I eat so many of the things, the ingredients might start to alter my DNA.)

(IS HE CALLING ME FAT?!)

**...**

(Aero need to hire me to do their pakaging.)

"Feel the bubbles. FEEL THE FREAKIN' BUBBLES!"

(But maaayyybeee I shouldn't have said that during quiet time in OP's office.)

(Optimus still gives me a WTF? face whenever he sees me.)

* * *

**Okay, a few of these made me laugh long and hard.**

**Mostly because I have DONE a lot of these in real life! **

**Don't forget to review, and have a look at some of my other fics! I'll have some updated soon, but I think most of the major updating is going to be over the Xmas holidays.**

**SEE YA!**


	11. Flour Power!

**Ugh. Not happy. **

**My little sister hath giveth me the flu. *sigh* It's just a cough, headache and sniffles at the moment, but I can feel it getting worse with every hour. **

**Still, I'll cheer myself up by writing these rules, and reading the lovely reviews you all give me!**

**I want to take this moment to personally thank everyone who has faved, followed and reviewed this over the weeks. The reviewers **_**especially**_**! **

**Ahem. Here I go;**

***walks up to a podium***

**THAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! I loveses youse! YEY! PIGGY'S FOR EVERYONE! **

***cannons blast squeaky piggy's at you all***

**Right, on with the show!**

**Me; **"Meh. I don't own. Can't be bothered fighting it. Ugh. So ill. Must. Get. To. Minty. Chocolate!"

**Optimus; *rolls optics* "There is no 'must' about it. You have been ordered to stay in bed, and yet here you are. Go back to bed."**

**Me; **"But...but I _need _my minty chocolate! GET IT FOR ME!" *adopts imperial pose*

**Optimus; "No. The others may become your personal servants when you are ill, but I will not. I also know for a fact Ratchet has told you **_**not **_**to eat or drink anything with sugar in it. Why do you want it so much anyway?"**

**Me; **"In the words of Hannah from Yogscast2, 'Chocolate makes everything better.'"

**Optimus; *grins* "...except diabetes..."**

**Me; **"Smartass sonofa..."

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots!**

**Part 10; Autobots. Flour Power!**

* * *

**You are NOT the Incredible Hulk**

(Heehee!)

(Hulk is kinda my hero.)

(Smashy smashy...)

**...**

(I waited for Sunstreaker to finish buffing his paintjob.)

(He walked out of his berthroom.)

"EAT GREEN!"

(I threw neon green paint all over him.)

(In doing that, I made an important scientific discovery.)

(Sunstreaker screams like a six year old girl!)

(I'm seing long blonde ponytails, pink frilly dress, lacy socks...)

**...**

"Stupid lady! Do what Zoe wants! Or Zoe will SMASH you and take your KITTIES!"

(Mearing didn't get the joke.)

(She told Ratchet I needed a mental test.)

(Stupid lady make Zoe have horrible test. ZOE SMASH!)

**...**

(Wheeljack had made a human sized jet pack.)

(I wanted it.)

"Zoe tired of jumping. Zoe want to FLY! Magic man give Zoe pack or ZOE SMASH MAGIC MAN!"

(I did get the jet pack.)

(Which then promptly blew up after only _one _flight.)

"Uh...Zoe found it like this..."

**DON'T tell Ironhide all waffles are evil**

(I was bored.)

(And Ironhide is paranoid.)

(The temptation was too much.)

(I told him that the 'cons had put a special ingredient into all waffles that would turn all humans that consumed them into willing slaves.)

(I didn't think he would believe me.)

(He went BALLISTIC!)

(I forgot that Annabel _loves _waffles.)

(Let's just say Lennox wanted to kill me.)

(So did Sam.)

(And everyone else on base who had their morning waffles shot out of their hands.)

(Sorry guys.)

'**The Chicken Song' from Spitting Image is banned**

(Awww!)

(But I really LOVE that song!)

(Spitting Image is AWESOME!)

(Jazz started it off.)

"_It's the time of year,  
Now that Spring is in the air.  
When those two wet gits with their girly curly hair,  
Make another song for moronic holidays,  
That nauseate-ate-ate  
In a million different ways.  
From the shores of Spain,  
To the coast of Southern France.  
No matter where you hide,  
You just can't escape this dance!"_

(By now he had the attention of the whole hangar.)

(I joined in.)

_"Hold a chicken in the air!  
Stick a deckchair up your nose!  
Buy a jumbo jet,  
And then bury all your clothes!  
Paint your left knee green,  
Then extract your wisdom teeth!  
Form a string quartet,  
And pretend your name is Keith!"_

(We even had a dance to go with the next part!)

_"Skin yourself alive!  
Learn to speak Arapahoe!  
Climb inside a dog,  
And behead an Eskimo!  
Eat a Renault Four with salami in your ears,  
Casserole your gran,  
Disembowel yourself with spears!_

(We finished with a florish.)

_"Now you've hear it once, your brain will spring a leak!  
__And though you hate this song, you'll be humming it for WEEKS!"_

(Prime was giving us both his famous **'WTF is wrong with you?!'** look.)

(Ratchet was itching to give us mental tests.)

(Elita laughed so hard she fell over.)

(Bee, Skids and Mudflap were looking at us like we were gods.)

(Prowl and Red Alert glitched from the mental images they got.)

(Hollie aand Sam were giggling like idiots.)

(The rest of the 'bots just looked at us like we were mad.)

(But you know what's funny?)

(Everyone WAS humming it for weeks!)

**Flour bombs are immature**

(Jazz, Wheeljack, Bumblebee and I had a plan.)

(Galloway needed to be taken down a peg or two.)

(We knew _exactly _what to do.)

(We made flour bombs.)

(In case you don't know, flour bombs are made by getting a bad of flour, squirting tomato sauce and water into it, and then shaking it about.)

(We dropped them on Galloway.)

(The result?)

(The four bombs 'exploded' on contact and covered the git in pink gooey, sloppy, lumpy stuff.)

(He didn't know it was us, we'd stolen Mirage's invisibility thinamabob.)

(WE GOT AWAY WITH IT!)

*does victory dance*

**DON'T cry over fictional characters**

(I watch Hannah Plays; The Walking Dead.)

(I hope to actually _get _the game eventually.)

(I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but Lee, the main character, gets bitten by a zombie and dies at the end of season one.)

(He asks Clementine to shoot him so that he won't come back.)

(Then Clem has to go find Christa and Omid all on her own, because the rest of the group is dead!)

(That game really holds no punches, I think my heart has died a few times during the course of the story.)

(I watched the video and bawled my eyes out for _hours_.)

(Bumblebee came in.)

(He asked me what was wrong.)

(All I could choke out was;)

"H-he's DEAD! W-what am I going to do?!"

(Bee thought I meant Optimus.)

(He started crying too, but then Optimus walked through the door.)

(Bee freaked out.)

He yelled 'OH PRIMUS! OPTIMUS IS A ZOMBIE!' and ran away.)

(Optimus looked to me for an explanation.)

(I was too busy crying. Both with laughter at OP's face and my sadness at Lee's death.)

* * *

**Okay, thats that done!**

**Please excuse any mistakes in spelling or grammar. I am too ill to care enough to check it. **

**I am also planning a _'DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules Xmas Special!' _****It will be a two shot, one on Christmas eve, and one on Christmas day!**

**Hope you enjoy, and don't forget to review! **


	12. Tales of Wonder & Woe: Don't Cry

**Ola amigo's! Que pasa?**

**IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ! **I'm planning a TF/Doctor Who crossover, but I need title ideas because, to put it simply, I SUCK AT TITLES! If you could all be so kind as to **PM** me with any ideas for a** story title** and a few **chapter names**, I'd be eternally greatful.

**In this fic, Ironhide doesn't die. He just has a close shave, nothing more. I just can't bring myself to write his death, not after I drafted OP's devastating demise earlier today. I STILL CRY WHEN I SEE IT! NO MATTER WHICH UNIVERSE IT IS, I HATE IT WHEN OP DIES!**

**A/N If you wanna know what the Italian is, just copy it into Google Translate, that's what I did. :) **

* * *

**The Wonders and Woes of Living With Giant Robots**

**Tale 2; Don't Cry, Sweetie Pie**

* * *

Let's take a look inside my diary shall we? Revelations of long buried secrets, betrayal on an epic scale, unimaginable stupidness on the government's behalf, apocalyptic circumstances, death, carnage, and one, last desperate struggle for our lives against the evil 'cons?

You could say it's been a rather eventful week.

Remember that Sentinel guy? I think I mentioned him a few times. I don't know if you guys heard, but he turned out to be a complete Pit-spawned motherboard fragger. He ripped my Optimus's arm off. MY Optimus!

As Dino would say; bastardo! Cazzo! Bruciare all'inferno! Mio dio! I miei poveri amici! Hai sofferto abbastanza, e ora questo! Dopo tutto quello che hanno perso, non meritano questo!

Anyway, after the battle in Chicago, (which was amazing by the way, I give it full stars on my battle rating!) Ironhide took Optimus straight to Ratchet. For once, he didn't complain. Normally he would be backing away, petrified, insisting he was fine, and The Hatchet and Ironass would have to literally drag our daft Prime into the medbay while Elita laughed her aft off at the sight.

But this morning, I don't think Optimus had any strength left to argue with anyone. I've never seen him look so tired and sad. He hadn't said a word the whole flight back from Chicago, and he was still silent as he sat on a medical berth. He didn't even look up when Ratchet came in. Elita was gently stroking his cheek and holding his hand. He was just staring into the distance, looking so depressed I thought he was going to cry.

Ratchet asked him something, and he replied in this horrible hollow voice that made me feel so empty inside. Normally when he speaks, you can't help but pay rapt attention to him. I love his voice so much, sometimes I talk to him for hours and hours about anything, just so I can hear him talk. But now...now I prefer him silent so that I don't have to hear the utter _defeat_ in his voice.

I was jerked out of my stupor when Ratchet began reattaching Optimus's arm. He had to leave the pain receptors on so that he knew which wires were still active. But, god help me, I have _never _heard Optimus scream like that. And I never want to again, _NEVER._ He kept trying to jerk away, but Ratchet held him fast.

What really did it for me was when Optimus actually_ did_ cry. I don't think any of us had ever seen him cry before, even when he diedhe didn't cry, he just seemed to accept it, like 'oh well, I had a hell of a run' and then that was it. He's the bravest person I've ever met, but I think after everything that had happened in past few days, he just didn't have any fight left in him.

Elita was crying too, but she stayed so strong and simply held her sparkmate close while Ratchet continued his work. Optimus just put his head on her shoulder and stared off into the distance again, crying out every so often.

That was it. He needed to be cheered up, and I felt I was the only one for the job. Hell, I've rage attacked the president in defence of my 'bots, I fought with them in Mission City, I ran with them in Egypt and when they were forced to leave, I swore to them I'd become an astronaut and follow them through the stars. If I can do all that, I can make Optimus laugh, even when he's depressed. I crossed the medbay and mentioned for Ratchet to put me on the berth. He did so and I cuddled OP's good hand. Optimus looked down.

"Hey boss bot, don't be sad anymore. Here's an idea, think of that sensation as reassurance that you're not dead yet."

He laughed a little. Well...I say laughed, it was more of a watery chuckle, but hey, at least I made him smile.

* * *

A few days later, OP was still in the medbay. He had a lot of damage, and his arm needed a lot more work before he could use it properly. He was still in a lot of pain, although I'm sure the emotional version was a lot worse than the physical. When Jazz told me this, I made a pact with myself.

I was going to cheer OP up, no matter what!

I ran down the hallway, dodged by a few of the 'bots. They know when I'm on a mish, and when I'm on a mish, 'aint nothing or nobody gonna get in my way! I stopped outside the medbay, a plan already forming in my tiny organic brain. A few ideas ran through my mind, some good, some terrible, but I eventually decided to just wing it and do something spontaneously.

Operation-cheer-up-Prime-by-whatever-means-possible was go, go, go!

I burst into the medbay suddenly, making Ratchet drop his wrench and causing Elita and Optimus to jump about a foot in the air. The already emotionally unstable and stressed out Hatchet looked round in annoyance, opening his mouth to lecture me about proper conduct, but stopped when he saw my (fake) anguished expression.

"OH RATCHET! IT'S HORRIBLE!" I bawled, "PLEASE HELP ME!"

He immediately went into 'panic mode' and picked me up, placing me on the berth next to a very worried Optimus and Elita, scanning me frantically.

"What?! Tell me what the problem is! Dammit Zoe, what's wrong?!" Ratchet yelled, just about having a spark attack.

I raised my arms, sobbing all the while.

"It's...it's these hands! I can't seem to get them off my wrists!" I said, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Give it to me now doc...is...is it terminal?"

It took a moment for them all to compute my words. When they did, OP began laughing so hard he almost fell off the berth, and Elita practically passed out with lack of air, she was giggling so much.

Ratchet...well that was a different story. Normally he reserves his violent wrench throws for the 'bots, but I think he figured I deserved it. He put me on the floor, yelling at me all the while, and then hurling his (smallest) wrench at me as I ran out the medbay, giggling in success.

Sure, I got a wrench thrown at me, but at least I made Optimus laugh.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! Now, to get revenge on The Hatchet for the wrench throwing...

"Hey Moonracer, since we're such good buddies and all, I think a little girl-talk is in order. Do you know any embarassing stories about your sparkmate that he _really _wouldn't want _anyone_ to know?"

"Well actually..."

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed! **

**I just finished writing my Xmas specials, but you can't have them until Xmas. They're gonna be my prezzies to you, to all my lovely readers!**

**Reviews mean love! And you all love me right? I know I love you guys!**


	13. Let it snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!

**Hey y'all! Has everyone been opening their advent calendars to get the chocolaty goodness inside? Good.**

**I don't bother with an advent calendar now, when I was little I didn't mind that the chocolate was cheap and nasty, but as I've gotten older, I've acquired a rather expensive taste in food. Especially chocolate. Lindor is my favourite, the ones that make the golden reindeer at Xmas and bunnies at Easter. **

**IT'S SNOWING! SNOW! SNOW! SNOW! YEY! **

It were a rah't blizzard las' naht' lahk'. Tha's dinnit kna if tha's commin' or goin'. Fair few lads and lasses slid owa on the ice, and the winds blowin' summat rotten!**  
(Me being English again! Haha! Hollywood needs to remember that English people NEVER sound posh!)**

**So yeah, I was bored, and my muse has taken off on a little pre-Xmas holiday without giving me the legal two weeks' notice. This is the result!**

**ENJOY!**

**Me; ***singing* "Tis' the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la!"

**Blurr; "Yey!I'msohappy! IreallyloveEarthholidays! They'realwayssomuchfun!"**

**Me; **"You, Jazz and Bee are the only ones who get into the spirit of things. I mean, Optimus kinda does, but he draws the line at giving the 'cons presents."

**Blurr; "Heyyouneverknow. Maybeifwedidthatthey'dstopbeingmean."**

**Me; **"Over my dead body!" *stands tall* "If _I _owned you guys, which I don't, the adventures would NEVER end! NEVER I TELL'S YA! NEEEEEEEEVER! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

**Blurr; *backs away* "Okay...I'mjustgonna...um...goseeifProwlneedsanything. *zooms off***

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots!**

**Part 11; Autobots. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!**

* * *

**Drawn Together is banned**

(Our reactions to this?)

(Elita; "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!")

(Jazz; "Wha?! NO! NO! Not cool!")

(Ratchet and Optimus; "But...but how else are we to survive Galloway's lectures?!")

(Arcee; "NO WAY! YOU DID _NOT _JUST DO THAT! YOU DID _NOT!_")

(Me; "You can't do this to us Prowl! We love that show so damn much!")

(But okay, even I admit, it's not to be watched if you are easily offended, religious, easily embarrassed, don't like dark and disturbing humour or have no concept of fun.)

(But still...)

**...**

(Some new 'bots arrived.)

(They thought we humans were pets.)

(This time, I was the one the rest of them volunteered to do the explaining.)

(Oooh. Bad call guys.)

"Ling-Ling no pet! Ling-Ling here to kill, and to give children seizures! HIYAAAAAAAAAAA! YOU! YOU! YOU! YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

(That didn't go down to well...)

**...**

"I'm on a never ending quest to save my girlfriend!"

(Prime suggested this should be Sam's new catchphrase.)

(What? That's all he ever seems to do...)

(Prime and I were talking about changing it to 'boyfriend'.)

(Come on Sam, we all know it's true!)

**...**

"Why is it, when something doesn't work, your first impulse is to shoot it?"

(Oh Ratchet, do not question why Ironhide shoots things.)

(It will lead to violence.)

(Usually, Ironhide jumps Ratchet.)

"HELP! HE'S ATTCKING ME LIKE I'M THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!"

(Again, Ratchet, sometimes you really do push your luck.)

**...**

(Sam ran into the room, babbling something we couldn't understand.)

(We tried to make sense of him, but even Blurr was stumped.)

"Look, I know it's against gay policy, BUT SPIT IT OUT!"

(Sorry Sam, Optimus just couldn't resist it.)

(Damn that was a funny moment!)

**...**

(We saw the Northern Lights in Iceland.)

(The next morning, Carly said it was a magical experience.)

(I replied.)

"You think what happened last night was magical? Maybe it _would _be magical if you had been violated by a magician..."

**...**

(Elita walked out of_ another_ meeting with world leaders, yelling this.)

"Jerk–off assholes!"

(Maybe it's just me, but I think Elita's language has gotten worse in these few months of being on Earth.)

(Her attitude to authority _definitely _has.)

(*sob* They grow up so quickly. So proud. I have trained her well.)

(Maybe we should do something about it...)

(Then again, maybe not, considering the Drawn Together line she quoted in response to some world leader asking her to leave the room.)

"Fine, vote me off. They'll just replace me with another minority, probably a Mexican. I hope you like beans and illegal relatives hiding in every drawer, asshole!"

(Prime just looks at her like he's fallen in love all over again.)

**Red Alert believes ANYTHING**

(Seriously.)

(I didn't believe Jazz, so I decided to do a little recon.)

(Since it's been snowing, I thought I'd give the paranoid 'bot a little lesson. Haha!)

(I waited until he was busy.)

(I then sneaked up and threw a snowball at him.)

(He screamed and asked me what I was doing.)

"Oh? Don't you know? The master in the sky commands us to create more minions for him by throwing parasites disguised as snowballs at people. Soon it will infect your brain and make you a willing slave to the shiny beardy cloud man."

(His reaction?)

(He shrieked and frantically brushed the snow off him, then ran around screaming, before running into the medbay and babbling about shiny men on clouds trying to control his brain.)

(Ratchet's face was a picture!)

**Ironhide does not do 'Cuddle Time'**

(I sense you are confused.)

('Cuddle Time' is where a human sneaks up to a 'bots holoform, or vice versa, and then jumps on them, trapping the 'bot, or human, in a hug before they even knew what hit them.)

(Everyone likes to hug Optimus.)

(Especially me!)

(He's just a very huggable person, y'know?)

(He always hugs back, usually laughing his back off.)

(Jazz and Bee do 'Cuddle Time' to random humans.)

(_Everyone_ does it to Ratchet. We know it annoys him to hell!)

(Anyway, I found out that nobody had dared do it to Ironhide.)

(CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!)

(I waited until he was distracted and then pounced.)

(You wanna know what happened next?)

(He swore and tried to reach me, but I ducked out the way and hugged him again.)

(This carried on for a while, before he dismissed the holoform and ran after me in his true form, cannons blazing and threatening to do all sorts of wonderfully horrible things to my squishy organic self.)

(Then Bee and Jazz pounced on him, yelling 'YEY! CUDDLE TIME WITH UNCLE HIDEY!')

(Zoe; 1 - Ironass; 0)

**DO mess with the showers**

(A friend put me up to it.)

(She'd done it to her dad, and thought it would be funny to do to the soldiers.)

(We got all the bars of soap and coated them with clear nail varnish.)

(When they were dry, we put them back on the racks.)

(Then we waited.)

(Everyone came back to base, all muddy and exhausted.)

(The humans went to take showers, but soon found that their soap wouldn't work.)

(No suds, no nothing.)

(They were all very confused.)

(We very nearly passed out laughing!)

**Food colouring equals endless, harmless fun**

(I bought some to make coloured icing for another prank I had in the works.)

(I did that, then got bored.)

(Me+Bored=SPONTANEOUS PRANK TIME!)

(The next time Sam tried to pour the milk out, it was bright yellow.)

(When Lennox made scrambled eggs, they were red.)

(Epps started peeing blue after I made him coffee.)

(Maggie was already brushing before she realised her toothpaste was turning her teeth bright orange.)

(Glen's shower water came out green and stained his skin.)

(Every time Sebastian tried washing his hands with the soap, his hands slowly got a brighter shade of pinkish red.)

(While they explained the odd goings on to Prowl, I was stood triumphantly on OP's shoulder, feeling very fond of my food colouring set.)

(They know it was me, but they have no proof!)

**DON'T get mad, get even**

(Sam had been irritating Glen and me.)

(I mean, _really _irritating.)

(Like, irritating to the point of wanting to murder him.)

(So, we decided it was time for a little payback.)

(We got Maggie involved too.)

(Glen got some Oreos from the shop, while Maggie and I stocked up on plain white toothpaste.)

(We then scraped the cream out of the Oreos, and replaced it with the toothpaste.)

(Then we gave them to Sam.)

(I will never forget the way he shoved a whole one in his mouth.)

(And then promptly spat it out, all over Dino.)

(Dino chased him with his arm blades.)

(And we have it all on tape...)

"Wanna see?"

**Kazoo's are a banned instrument**

(Red Alert was in stasis after another freak out.)

(Bee and I saw an opportunity.)

(We sneaked into the surveillance room, where the intercom controls are.)

(Luckily, it was Sideswipe who was on duty, and he is _always _open to fun stuff.)

(I made about a thousand announcements over the intercom, but I spoke through the Kazoo, or just played random songs with it.)

(Everyone got very, very confused, and we could see it all on the security cameras from the comfort of our seats.)

(We'd stasis locked the door too, so nobody could get in and stop us.)

(This went on for about five hours.)

(The fun only stopped when Ironhide blew the door off its hinges.)

(We ran for our lives, me playing a victory tune on the kazoo all the while.)

* * *

***appears in a Loony Tunes credits screen***

**That's all for now folks! Don't forget to-**

***screen closes***

**HEY! I'M STILL TALKING HERE! Don't for get to review folks! Reviews mean you love me! ;D**


	14. Xmas Special: Dear Santa

**IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL! **

**In the words of Bumblebee, 'I'm so excited!'**

**As promised, here is the first part of my Christmas special, second half will be up on 25****th**** as my xmas gift to you all! :) **

**ENJOY!**

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules Xmas Special!**

**Part One; Dear Santa...**

* * *

"Only ten more days!"

"I know Bee, ahm so lookin' forward to this one! It's gonna be a good one, ah just _know _it!"

"EEK! I CAN'T WAIT!"

Bee, Jazz and I bounded through the base, singing away merrily to Christmas song parodies that we found whilst trolling around Youtube late at night with nothing else to do. The assembled 'bots and humans laughed and shook their heads at some of the more crude ones, but laughed at most.

Prowl got annoyed after a few hours and told us to stop it. We took no notice, and carried on singing.

Our favourite song by far was 'The Twelve Pains of Christmas' by Bob Rivers. It's so true, but there's a certain line that makes it so very special to us. Once you get to the eighth thing that's a pain, you'll understand why we love it so much!

"_The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;  
Is finding a Christmas tree_

_The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Rigging up the lights_  
_And finding a Christmas tree_

_The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Hangovers_  
_Rigging up the lights_  
_And finding a Christmas tree_

_The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Sending Christmas cards_  
_Hangovers_  
_Rigging up the lights_  
_And finding a Christmas tree_

_The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Sending Christmas cards  
Hangovers  
Rigging up the lights  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Facing my in-laws_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!  
Hangovers  
Rigging up these lights!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_The Salvation Army_  
_Facing my in-laws_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Sending Christmas cards  
Oh, geez!  
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me;_  
_I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!_  
_Charities,_  
_And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Oh, making out these cards  
Honey, get me a beer, huh?  
What, we have no extension cords?!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Finding parking spaces_  
_DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!_  
_Donations!_  
_Facing my in-laws_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Writing out those Christmas cards  
Hangovers!  
Now why the hell are they blinking?!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_"Batteries Not Included"_  
_No parking spaces_  
_BUY ME SOMETHIN'!_  
_Get a job, ya bum!_  
_Oh, facing my in-laws!_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards  
Oh, geez, look at this!  
One light goes out, they ALL go out!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;_  
_Stale TV specials_  
_"Batteries Not Included"_  
_No parking spaces_  
_MUM, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!_  
_Charities!_  
_She's a witch, I hate her!_  
_**Five months of bills!**__  
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!  
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?  
Get a flashlight, I blew a fuse!  
And finding a Christmas tree_

_The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me;  
Singing Christmas carols  
Stale TV specials  
"Batteries Not Included"  
No parking?!  
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Charities!  
Gotta make 'em dinner!  
__**Five months of bills!**__  
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!  
Shut up, you!  
FINE! IF YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!  
And finding a Christmas tree."_

Judy and Rob were in stitches by the end, Lennox was nodding his head at every verse, grinning. Sam, Carly and Hollie practically died laughing. The 'bots don't really understand Christmas, but then again, they didn't really _have _holidays and things on Cybertron, so no wonder they get confused with all the different seasonal stuff we have here on Earth. Even I get confused. I used to think Thanksgiving was the American version of Christmas!

Anyway, I was about to sneak off into Wheeljack's lab when I saw Annabel sat down at the big conference table with a pen and piece of paper. She was scribbling furiously, her too-big Santa hat swaying around atop her golden head and a huge smile on her adorable little face as she wrote. I watched as she finished with a flourish, setting the pen back down and beaming in satisfaction.

But then she frowned. I could see deep thought etched into her expression as she picked up her pen once more and wrote something just beneath what she had written before.

She examined the paper critically, before nodding approvingly and folding it up into a little square and laying it on the table. She jumped up and bounded across the room to Ironhide, who picked her up and took her to the rec room to play.

I crossed the room and grabbed the bit of paper. Unfolding it, I read what she had wrote.

_Deer Mister Santa_

_I hav been a good gurl this year. So has my mummy and my daddy and Sam and Carly and Hollie and all the bots. Zoe has been naughty sometimes but she makes people laugh when shes naughty so that makes her good. Hidey still shoots things and Ratched still says naughty words even though I tolded dem that theys had to be good or Santa wouldn't give dem any presents but that doesn't matter cos theys always nice to me so really theys been good this year too._

_For crizmas I would like a big box of crayons and a picktur book and some sweeties and a baby sister called Sofie and a cake makin set and a magic wand, not the ones daddy buys in the shop, a real one._

_Thank you Mister Santa. Hapy crizmas! From Annabel Lennox._

_Actually Santa, I don't want anything for crizmas. Plees give the bots deyre planet back all shiny and pretty with all deyre mummies and daddies and sisters and brothers come back down from heaven. Don't bring me anything, I just want dems to have a nice crizmas. If you can make dem hapy, that can be my present insted._

"Aww Annie!" I said, smiling at her little request. "If only it was that simple."

I was about to give the letter to Lennox, but as I began to walk over to him, I froze. I'd had another brilliant idea. This one was so sweet and brilliant, there was no way I was going to let the opportunity slip away, not with Christmas only days away.

Straightening my glittery Santa hat, I marched over to Sam, Carly and Hollie.

"Guys." I announced. "We have work to do..."

* * *

**I said I would put this up on Christmas eve, but I just couldn't wait till them! EEEEEP!**

**Hope you enjoyed! Btw, reviews on my stories now equal Xmas cheer! Don't be a Ebenezer Scrooge, leave a review! :D**


	15. Xmas Special: Merry Christmas Autobots

First off; I apologise for the unforgiveable lateness of this update. My computer has had a few problems with viruses. A load of my files got corrupted, including this one, and it's taken a while for it to get sorted out. I had to re-write the whole thing, so it hasn't come out quite as I hoped. Sorry about that. Plus my internet decided to play silly beggars today, it just wouldn't connect or anything. Noting. Zip. Kaput. *rage attack*  
Right, with that out of the way, enjoy the next part of my Rules! :D

**MERRY CHRISMAS EVERYONE! I hope you're all having a absolutely FANTASTIC Christmas, and best of luck for the New Year. May all your hopes and expectations come true! Since it's not possible for me to send you all prezzies and chocolate for your Xmas presents, here's the next part of my Xmas Special instead. Hope you like!**

**Me; **No disclaimer today! It's Christmas, and even lawyers take a break at Christmas, right? Heh, I don't like lawyers, the very word sounds like 'liar' but with a West Country accent.

**Hound; **Sometimes I wonder what's going on inside that head of yours... What _does _happen in there anyway?

**Me; **Quite a lot actually. None of it makes any sense and would most likely send a psychic insane. Not-Moose agrees.

**Hound; **Who in the name of Primus is Not-Moose?

**Me; **The imaginary being that lives inside my head and tells me to do all kinds of naughty things, like throwing eggs at random people in the street and yelling "REVENGE OF THE CHICKENS!".

**Hound; **Ok...kay. But why is he called Not-Moose?

**Me; **Because he's not a moose. HAVE A PAPER HAT! *blows party horn*

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules Xmas Special!**

**Part Two; Merry Christmas Autobots.**

* * *

Over the ten days since the idea first struck me, we had all been working flat out to get our special project finished in time for the 25th of December. We were all determined that this Christmas would be the best one yet.

I had no idea how many people would be up for it. It's amazing what the Christmas spirit can instil in everyone. I called up everyone in my college class, and found they were all willing to help. The whole human team at NEST all pitched in too, lending a helping hand wherever they could. Whether it was assisting with the construction at the college, bringing materials back and forth, or simply keeping the presents away from prying optics.

Not naming names of course. coughJazzBumblebee Oh do excuse me. ahemBlurrMirageSideswipe Sorry, bad cough.

Mostly we worked at the college. Since it was Christmas, nobody was in, and that meant no one needed the workrooms and materials, meaning we had complete and utter free range. Jackpot!

Sam, Carley and Hollie did the recon. A _lot _of recon. There was a hell of a lot of information that we needed to complete the project, and without those three, none of us would have been able to find the time.

I'm sure the 'bots suspected what we were up to, since Sam, Carley and Hollie asked for some very specific things from them. They gave the three of them the stuff we needed without question, but apparently they did get a few raised optical ridges and suspicious looks. Maybe the 'bots had theories, but there was no way any of them got close enough to find out if they were correct.

We aimed to complete a little bit more every day, and although we ended up with aching fingers, arms, backs, necks, eyes and heads, we set aside those problems and continued marching on. Nothing was going to stop us from showing our 'bots how much they meant to us.

On Christmas Eve, some of us stayed extra late to put the finishing touches onto our special project. That included me and my bff's. Harley, Kirsty, Sarah, Amy, Kelsey, Garry, Connor and Josep. They've met the 'bots loads of times, and although only a few of live near the college, as soon as they heard what we were doing, they rushed to join us in our cause. We were like some sort of secret society, the shady kind that has dramatically dark bases and super spy members all over the world, with Josep as the spymaster with a white cat on his lap. We're so evil, we make Voldemort look like a roll of toilet paper!

On Christmas day, everything was ready. We all crept into the 'bot's berthrooms while they were asleep (or recharging, whatever they call it) and placed our presents carefully, with little notes stuck atop them.

Then we waited.

A few hours later, everyone was in tears of joy and happiness. The 'bots couldn't believe the amount of effort we'd put in to giving them a happy Christmas. They were all so touched by our presents.

We'd made Transformer size portraits of them surrounded by their families, both present and deceased. We'd painted them amongst the stars, with beautiful nebulas behind them, framing them all in a soft glow.

Sam, Hollie and Carley had asked each 'bot for holo-pads that contained the pictures, and then we had all painted them as best we could on huge pieces of paper. It had been hard work to keep the proportions right when working to such a big scale, but somehow we managed it.

When Annabel saw the pictures, she told the 'bots that she'd known all along they were angels. That was so sweet of her, though I think the term 'angel' is stretching it a teeny bit with Ironhide. She said that Santa loved them because they were such good people, and that she hoped one day their planet really would be revived, and all their families brought back to life.

Watching everyone crying and hugging each other, I couldn't help but cry myself. It was such a lovely moment when they all thanked us individually. When I think of everything they've been through; a war that destroyed everything they held dear, a long search through the cold vastness of space for the only thing that kept them hopeful, and then to see it be destroyed, just as their home had been. It was enough for anyone to just give up. But they didn't. They kept fighting, kept hoping and dreaming.

And so did we. We place so much trust in them, and never once have they let us down. Even when it seemed like the whole world was against them, we stood by their side and defended them. We've fought side by side with them, mourned the death of our friends and witnessed the birth of their children, a hope many of them had once abandoned.

Annie got her Christmas wish in a way. The 'bots were reunited with their families, or at least the memoires of their families.

As for me, my Christmas wish is that we will never be parted from the aliens that have come to mean so much to us, and if we are taken from each other by fate, then let us meet again one day at whatever waits for us at the other side.

I intend to make that wish come true. We used to be a team, but now we're so much more than that. We're a family. One big, happy, if slightly disfunctional family, but a family notheless. And whatever challenges we may face in the future, I know we'll face them together, side by side, heart to spark.

I suppose there's only one thing left say at this point. Something that will sum up everything I feel, something that means so much, and contains every memory, both sad and happy. Since I can't think of such a statement, I'm just going to settle for this instead.

Merry Christmas Autobots.

* * *

**Many apologies for the lateness. And also, sorry if this happens to be utter rubbish. I tried to re-write this well, but I kept forgetting what I'd written on the other file and had to inprovise. :(**

**Ah well, a very merry Christmas to you all, and don't forget to review! **


	16. Pineapples and Bouncy Balls

**Hey guys! I'm back!**

**THIS FIC NOW HAS OVER 100 REVIEWS! WOO! 115 to be exact! Give yourselves a double chocolate cookie each! Can we make it up to 200?!**

**Anyway, on with the show**

**Me; **Higuys! Notimetotalk! JustprankedIronhide!

**IH; GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE FRAGGER!**

**Me; **Idon'townanything! *zooms off*

**IH; JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!**

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 12; Autobots. Pineapples and Bouncy Balls**

* * *

**DO overreact to random things**

"NOOOO! NOT THE PINEAPPLE! HOW COULD YOU?! Where's Spongebob supposed to live now?"

(Me, after seeing a bowl of pineapple chunks on the floor.)

(Don't ask why there was a bowl of pineapple chunks in the middle of the floor of the conference hangar. Stuff like that is perfectly normal around here.)

(Anyway, I think I may have broken Hound's audio receptors.)

(I was sat on his shoulder, and he's a bit smaller than the other 'bots, so I practically screamed right in his ear.)

(Sorry Hound!)

(I'll bring him some flowers, he likes those.)

**...**

(Ratchet was trying to get Ironhide into the medbay.)

(It's a hard task anyway, but today 'Hide was being particularly whiny.)

(Eventually Ratchet got sick of it and knocked Ironhide out.)

(Elita chose this moment to yell loudly;)

"OMIGOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!"

**...**

(Ratchet was sick and tired of people getting injured and not reporting it.)

(He decided we all needed weekly checkups.)

(Everybody else decided to just do as he says, not wanting to invoke the hell-born wrath of The Hatchet and his army of Wrench Demons.)

(I however, didn't go willingly to mine.)

(Optimus rushed out of his office to see what all the bloodcurdling screaming was about, and was confronted with this.)

(Me, hanging onto the doorframe of the Rec-Room for dear life, while Jolt attempted to prise me off.)

"NOOOOOO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

**...**

(Everything was calm at base.)

(Having been giving a well-deserved break from the problems of the world around them, the 'bots were busy enjoying the peace and tranquillity.)

(Ironhide was busy telling Annabel and Bee a story, Wheeljack and Percy were quietly studying some plant specimens Hound brought back from Africa, and Prowl had managed to torment Jazz into finally getting some work done.)

(Yeah, that lasted all of about five seconds.)

"ARRRGGGGGHHHH! GET AWAY FROM ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEASE! ANYBODY!"

(The 'bots thought I was being attacked.)

(They ran round the corner with all cannons blazing, ready to protect me against whatever horror I was facing.)

(You would have thought they would be used to all the screeching and yelling by now. Apparently not.)

(Imagine their surprise when they caught Sam waving a Justin Beiber poser in my face.)

(Come on, that's enough to warrant anybody screaming in terror.)

(And if Beiber ever reads this, I only have one thing to say.)

"Still think it's clever to do drugs, you arrogant little prick?"

**Ranting is FUN!**

(Everyone was in the rec room.)

(A few of us decided to watch a horror film.)

(When I say 'a few of us' I'm talking about me, Jazz and Sideswipe.)

(Halfway through the first ten minutes, poor little Bee got scared and ran across the room to get a cuddle from Optimus, who obliged happily.)

(The rest of the 'bots just said 'awww', and went back to their conversations.)

(By the twenty minute point, I got very annoyed at the main character.)

(So annoyed in fact, I had a bit of a rant.)

(Loudly.)

"Oh yeah this is so believable. This stupid cow has just woken up in an abandoned cabin in the middle of some scary woods, all her friends have been brutally killed, and she only has a mobile for light. But instead of running away or calling the police like a smart person would, she decides to investigate the DEMONIC BREATHING coming from the damp, dark basement?!"

(Then later on, with a different film;)

"Oh this is just priceless. So she runs out into the woods wearing an oh-so conveniently revealing nightdress, trips over a oh-so conveniently placed tree root, and then lies there for about ten minutes screaming her stupid head off as the zombies _slowly _amble toward her? What the hell?! Just GET UP AND RUN you glorified whoresack!"

(And yet, people wonder why I get banned from the cinemas...)

**Cheating during a Shake 'em Up can get results**

(What's a Shake 'em Up? I hear you cry.)

(It's a tried and tested way to settle a disagreement. Very effective actually.)

(You get twelve cans of pop, and place them on a table between the two people having an argument. The challengers have to take turns in opening the cans.)

(But there's a twist.)

(Before the contest, an unbiased individual must violently shake one of the cans, and place it amongst the others. They cannot let on which can they have shaken, and they cannot be present during the contest.)

(Whichever of the two challengers opens the shaken can loses the argument.)

(The 'bots decided they'd had enough of Sam and I fighting over everything, LIKE FAMILIES DO, and Lennox suggested a Shake 'em Up.)

(Lucky for me, it was Glen who was picked to be the unbiased individual.)

(Yeah, 'unbiased' my left foot.)

(Jazz tracked him down and bribed Glen with two mega-bars of his favourite chocolate, which I am NOT going to ask how he got a hold of.)

(Glen told him which can he was going to shake.)

(Jazz then told me.)

(Needless to say, when the contest ended, Sam was the one dripping with pop and I was victorious, having won the argument we had since forgotten completely.)

(You guys should've seen his face when the liquid erupted out of the can. Priceless!)

**Stop stealing stuff from Wheeljack's lab**

(Okay, look, stealing is a bad word. It has negative affiliations. I only_ borrowed_ that stuff! And I left 'jack a note.)

(I was going to give the rest of it back when I was finished.)

(Anyway, long story short, I got bored.)

(And 'jack's lab was unlocked.)

(So I sneaked in, grabbed some cool looking red slime, a bottle of something marked 'highly flammable', and a big plastic box.)

(Next, I marched into the firing range.)

(I then chucked the slime in the box, tipped the contents of the bottle in too, put the lid on and asked Ironhide to shoot it.)

(As always, he was more than happy to oblige.)

(What happened next you ask?)

(Turns out if you mix that red slime and the liquid in the bottle together, and then shoot it with an energon cannon, it creates a never-before seen type of gas that solidifies in Earth's atmosphere.)

(Also, when they solidify, they act a bit like bouncy balls. Only WAY more bouncy. And about the size of a thumbnail.)

(Nope, no explosions, just a shower of about a zillion bright orange balls that are super bouncy and fun to throw at people!)

(Wheeljack was impressed.)

(Prowl wasn't.)

**DON'T give Prime cheek**

(Seriously, don't.)

(I decided I wanted to stay in his office, rather than go to my next weekly checkup.)

(Come on, would any of YOU go and see The Hatchet willingly?)

(This is the conversation that followed.)

"**Zoe, you cannot hide in here forever!"**

"I can outlast The Hatchet. Besides, this is a great hiding place."

"**No. This is my **_**office**_**."**

"Gold star for observation Optimus. Keep this up and you'll have a full chart!"

"**That means only senior members of authority allowed."**

"Well, it's good thing I'm the one in charge around here then, eh?"

"**Very funny. Out."**

"Haven't you got paperwork or something you should be getting on with?"

"**Now!"**

"Sod off."

"**ZOE!"**

"OPTIMUS!"

"**Enough! You are NOT hiding in my office!"**

"MEGATRON WOULD LET ME DO IT!"

(And with that, he picked me up and carried me to the medbay, me kicking and screaming all the while.)

(Ratchet was not impressed.)

* * *

**Ouch. I have earache. Really bad. Does anybody know any tips on how to get rid of it? :( **

**Don't forget to review!**

**TOODLES!**


	17. It's a Jammie Dodger, savvy?

**IT'S SNOWING! YEY!**

**Other than that, I have nothing else to say. **

**Me; **Sorry guys, it's a whole new year, and I still don't own you. *sad face*

**Perceptor; Ah well, maybe next Christmas, eh? **

**Me; **Ya, I guess so.

**Jazz; Until then, how 'bout we go and see if 'jack's invented that time machine yet?**

**Me; **TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!

* * *

**The DO'S, DON'TS and General Rules of Living With Giant Robots**

**Part 13; Autobots. It's a Jammie Doger, savvy?**

* * *

**You are NOT The Doctor**

(What?)

(Who hasn't pretended to be him a few times?)

(I think I'd make a brilliant Doctor!)

**...**

"Oh all right, it's a Jammie Dodger! But I was promised tea!"

(Top tip of the week; Cybertronians don't appreciate the Matrix of Leadership being called a Jammie Dodger.)

(The Matrix didn't seem to have a problem with it.)

(Seemed rather amused actually...)

**...**

"Oh, what's this then? I love this! A big flashy lighty thing! That's what brought me here. Big flashy lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually though. But give me time. And a crayon."

(Apparently the thingy in question was an energon converter for making raw energon from solar power.)

(Wheeljack gave me an approving nod.)

(He totally gets me.)

**...**

(I threw a rubber ducky at Prowl.)

(Mearing said I was an immature child.)

(This is what followed.)

"I think you'll find that I'm universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult!"

*shows bit of paper I doodled on earlier*

"_But...it's just a load of scribblings..."_

*I looked back at it in confusion*

"Oh no. My physic paper! Yeah, it's shorted out. Finally, a lie too big."

**You're not Jack Sparrow either**

(Um...there should be a captain in there somewhere.)

(Sorry, too good to resist!)

**...**

"Well after all that, I think we've all arrived at a very special place. Spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically."

(Politicians don't appreciate sarcastic remarks after they've spent about half a hour yelling at you.)

(Especially if you happen to be wearing your Sparrow costume at the time.)

(That git deserved it.)

(Wasn't _my _fault Sunstreaker almost crashed into him.)

(Even if I did throw a snowball at him and 'soiled' his 'wonderful' paintjob.)

(I'm using those terms very loosely in, case you can't tell.)

**...**

"You need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You're not a eunuch are you?"

(Note to self; Galloway is an ass.)

(So don't insult his shagging abilities.)

**...**

(Optimus needed to find something for Ratchet to check.)

(I think it was some kind of data-pad.)

(I helped...sort of.)

(I mainly just followed him around, occasionally spouting nonsense and bewildering him into forgetting what he was looking for in the first place.)

(When he finally remembered, I reminded him why it was so important, as if it was his own fault that he forgot.)

"The finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and or locating in your discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle, ol' what's-her-face from The Mighty Hatchet. Savvy?"

(Sure, it was funny as heck to say, but it didn't help us free Elita from the medbay.)

**...**

(We had a problem.)

(Basically, we needed to find some ancient key to unlock this old Cybertronian tomb at the base of some random mountain with a name I can't spell.)

(Only thing is, we didn't know _where _this mountain was.)

(That part of the message had rusted away.)

(So, Lennox suggested scanning all the likely mountains.)

(I disagreed.)

"If we don't have the key, we can't open whatever we don't have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?"

(I thought it was a valid point...)

**Stop tormenting Leo**

(I actually had nothing to do with this.)

(Yeah, a prank was committed without my involvement.)

(It's a damn miracle if I ever saw one.)

(I'm losing my touch.)

(The following story was told to me by a giggling Jazz.)

(Apparently, someone re-directed the power from Leo's keyboard onto their datapad.)

(No one knows who did it for sure, but my money's on Elita. She's been cooped up in the medbay for about a week, since the baby could arrive any day now.)

(And like me, she gets bored very very easily.)

(Said person *ahemElita*, then proceeded to make the ever paranoid and hysterical Leo think his computer was alive after being infected by a virus the 'cons had somehow gotten into his hardrive.)

(Leo freaked.)

(Red Alert was in the room with him.)

(Need I say more?)

(Regardless, I must make sure to drop by and see Elita to congratulate her on a prank well done. Oh, she's ever so good.)

**DON'T let the 'bots catch you doing anything**

(It's nothing illegal, just to be clear.)

(The gang and I just 'borrowed' some helium and sulphur hexafluoride from Wheeljack.)

(The boys took the helium.)

(Helium=instant cartoon character voice.)

(We girls took the sulphur.)

(Sulphur hexafluoride=instant demon voice.)

(We then proceeded to freak out every Cybertronian we could find.)

(The change in voices creeped them out so badly, you wouldn't believe!)

(Unfortunately...Ratchet found us.)

(We'd been doing our best to avoid him, but I think Red Alert ratted us out.)

(I think you all know what happened next.)

**DON'T annoy Chromia**

(No caption needed.)

(Other than; HAHA! Leo is so dead!)

(We warned him.)

**DON'T enforce bedtimes**

(I like to stay up late.)

(For some reason, I can only write well late on a night.)

(Anyway, I was sat on my laptop with a packet of my favourite crisps, writing out the draft for this much beloved list of all things crazy and wonderful, when OP informed me it was ten to twelve, and that I had to go to bed.)

(He got my 'what's your point?' look.)

(Needless to say, and argument ensued.)

(Eventually, he ordered me to go to bed and told me to stop eating my crisps, because the ingredients would give me nightmares if I ate them late on a night.)

(Oooooh. Bad move.)

"FINE! I'M GOING! But you know, I come here because I expect loyal friendship and brain-implodingly awesome adventures, not a constant ear bashing from THE CHEESY PUFF POLICE!"

(And with that, I stormed off.)

(I didn't have nightmares, so there.)

*blows raspberry*

* * *

**That's all for now folks!**

**Btw, does anyone have an idea for the perfect theme for this fic? So far, all I can think of is Trouble by Pink. **

**Also, I've noticed a lot of FF stories have their own little logo that the author or someone else has made. I'm thinking of giving it a go, but if any of you are DeviantArt peeps, you are welcome to do one. :)**

**TOODLE PIP!**


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